Old and New Jokes

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location( A very rich area – Expected around $200,000 in cash daily ). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, Where is my money. The man replied that he didnt know and said that he would find him.

The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Bigs office. Mr. Big said, Where the fuck is my money? . The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said, What the fuck is this?

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said, Do you know how to read sign language?

The man said, No, but Ill find someone who can. .

He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

Well, says Mr. Big, What did he say?

She says he said, Fuck You! .

Mr. Big replied, Youd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you.

The girl asks him again, Where is the money and the man again replied in sign language.

What did he say this time? , asked Mr. Big.

He said Fuck You, again .

With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, If he doesnt tell me where my money is, Ill cut off his head and throw him in the river!.

She told this to the man and this time he answered, Its under the front seat of my car, again in sign language.

Well , asked Mr. Big, What did he say this time? .

She replied He said Fuck You! .

The last words of a chemist:

7. In which glass was my mineral water?

8. The bunschen burnes *is* out!

9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?

10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.

8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.

7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.

6. Urine drug test transformed into Distance Pissin Competition.

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.

1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the other man.

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wifes lover:

Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The other man was highly amused by the husbands formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your offices auditorium.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pick it up, pull the pin and throw it back.

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?

She was trying to blow the horn!

This is from the british-cars@alliant.com mailing list.

My SO found this in the July 1990 Readers Digest:
[Ed: I heard it much prior to that, though]

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light.
Do you have a car phone? its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

Of course I do, replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

Well, do you have a fax machine?

The driver in the Rolls sighed. I have that too.

Then do you have a double bed in the back? the Midget driver
wanted to know.

Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a
mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is
parked on the side of the road–back windows fogged up and steam
pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls
and bangs on the Midgets back window until the driver sticks his head
out. I want you to know that I had a double bed installed, brags
the Rolls driver.

The Midget driver is unimpressed. You got me out of the shower to
tell me that?

(–Quoted by David Greason, New York Times News Service)

When youre on a workplace training course, think of it like this:
When you start the course, you are on-course.
When youre in the middle of the course, thats group intercourse.
When youve finished the course, thats when youre off course, of course.

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all jump off a cliff. Which one

hit the bottom first?

Not the blonde, she needed directions!

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the fountain.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…
9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that theyre astronaut food.
10. Follow patrons of B. Daltons around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that its a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, You mean you really cant see it?
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If youre patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the hidden picture.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether theres much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinte