Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly, she took a beauty nap and slipped into a coma!

It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).

NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery.

After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately!

Dos amigos granjeros se encuentran

Hola, ¿cómo te ha ido?

Pues un poco mal: acabo de comprar un toro porque ya tenía muchas vacas; pero este toro no resultó muy bueno, es impotente.

No te preocupes, yo tenía un toro igual y fui con un buen veterinario y le recetó unas pastillas pequeñitas, buenísimas; desde la primera le cayeron muy bien.

¡Qué bueno! ¿Y cómo se llaman?

¿Cómo se llaman… cómo se llaman…? La verdad es que no recuerdo pero son como saladitas…

YO mamma is so fat…she sat on the rainbow and skittles popped out!

Dear Professor:______________________________Date:________



My grade in _______________ should be raised from __________ to ______ because:



There must be a mistake somewhere.



I was not well at the time of the examination.



My mind always goes blank during an examination.



This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.



This is the only course in which I received a poor grade



This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.



Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.



The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the subject



I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be given a break.



I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.



I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give to one of the other sections.



Several people around me copied from my paper during the examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is not fair.



The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.



I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a good student – you just ask any one of them.



The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your questions.



Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts; they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.



I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based question



I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are merely students



At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of the hour.



It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.



Signed___________________

When in doubt, use brute force.

You actually like doing laundry at home.

Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

Youd rather clean than study.

Oh man how did it get so late! comes out of your mouth at least once a night.

Moms meatloaf and potatoes become something you desire, not avoid.

Half the time you dont wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.

You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas.

You know the pizza boy by name.

You go to sleep when its light and get up when its dark.

You live for getting mail.

Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.

Prank phone calls become funny again.

You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.

Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.

Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.

The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday.

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, Lord, I have a problem.

And the Lord said, Whats the matter, Eve?

I know that You created me and this beautiful garden … but Im lonely … and Im sick of eating apples.

Well, in that case, replied the Almight, Ill create a man for you.

Whats a man?

Well, hes a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But hes big and fast and muscular. Hell be really good at fighting, kicking a ball and hunting animals.

Sounds great! replied Eve.

Theres one condition, added the Lord. Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.

TEACHER: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?

JACK: 7 years old

TEACHER: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?

JACK: 9 years old

TEACHER: Thats impossible!

JACK: No its not. Im 8 today.

TEACHER: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.

MIKE: Here it is !

TEACHER: Good. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Mike !!!

TEACHER: Didnt you promise to behave?

STUDENT: Yes sir.

TEACHER: And didnt I promise to punish you when you misbehave?

STUDENT: Yes sir. But since I didnt keep my promise, you dont need to keep yours.

COOL STUDENT: Teacher would you punish me for something I didnt do?

TEACHER: No.

COOL STUDENT: Good cos I didnt do my homework.

TEACHER: Alfred, name one important thing that we have today and we dont 10 years ago.

ALFRED: Me !!!

TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

BILLY: No. Im Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: In this box I have a 10-foot snake.

STUDENT: You cant fool me teacher ! Snakes dont have feet !!!

HYGIENE TEACHER: How do you prevent deseases from biting insects?

WILLY: Dont bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence using the word I

ELLEN: I is….

TEACHER: No Ellen always use I am.

ELLEN: Oh, alright. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.