Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.
Dont you mean ovaries ? the doc says.
No she says.
We had better have a look says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says Youre right, It looks like theres been a cockatoo up there
Estaba un viejito en la alcoba cuando se le para el pito y le grita a su mujer, Vieja, vieeeejjjjaaa, apúrate que se me paró.
En eso sube corriendo la pobre mujer y cuando llega ya se le bajó al viejito.
Otro dÃa el viejito estaba en el baño y pasa lo mismo como 4 veces. Total que la viejita decide andar desnuda por toda la casa para que en el momento que el viejito le grite ella esté preparada.
Pasaron unos dias y la viejita estaba en la cocina preparando de almorzar cuando escucha, Vieja, viejaaaaaaa, y sube a las carreras desnuda como andaba y le dice, Ahora sà papacito, y el viejito le contesta: ¡Se está quemando la casa y tú con tus puterÃas!
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?
The Officer replies, The President is just so depressed about the Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking around taking up a collection for him.
Oh really? How much have you collected so far?
So far only about three hundred gallons, but Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning!
My friend, Bill, grew up on a farm in Tennessee and attended a one room country school. He said that, like all the other boys, he wore bib overalls to school.
Now Bibs are a great invention says Bill.
When your hands are cold, you can put them between the bib and your shirt and warm them. And after you have been working hard, like hoeing, you can put your arms behind the bib and rest them for awhile.
But, he said, the greatest thing was he used them to cheat on arithmetic tests in school. He would look at the addition problems and put his hands behind the bib, appearing to be in deep concentration, while he counted on his fingers.
Doing that, Bill almost flunked out of second grade arithmetic until he discovered that he didnt have eleven fingers.
You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.
At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
It opens at noon answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
What time does the bar open? he asks.
Same time as before… Noon. replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?
The clerk then answers, It opens at noon, but if you cant wait, I can have room service send something up to you.
No… I dont wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him.
The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
Ill only marry you under three conditions. she said.
Anything, anything, said the ambassador.
First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, Yes, yes, I build, I build!
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
Finally, she said. Ill only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool.
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!
When I was a kid I adopted a stray cat.
I couldnt afford Kitty Litter so I filled a cardboard box with dirt and kept it on the screened porch at the back of the house. We had mostly dirt in our back yard and the whole world is made out of dirt but that stubborn cat would scratch and meow at the screen door so it could get inside to use the box of dirt.
We went on vacation for two weeks, took the cat, but forgot to take the box of dirt.
When we got back, the cat looked like a football and could hardly walk.
I dont know how to describe what happened when it got to the box of dirt. Have you ever blown up a balloon and have it slip out of your fingers before you could tie a knot in the neck?
A man goes to the doctor complaining of a stutter.Ittt tt juuu st wonntt go aw ayyy! he said.The doctor examined him and found the problem.Your penis is too long, he said and he was right. It was over 13 inches long.I can cut some off and your stutter will go away.The man agreed and the doctor performed the procedure and he left.The man came back a week later for a check up.Im fine, he said, but my wife has left me as Im not great in bed anymore. Id like the rest of my penis sewn back on please. Is that possible?The doctor replied, Nn oooO!! Gg goo aWaa yy!
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.