A bloke goes into a bar carrying a small box. He asks the bartender If I show you the neatest thing youve ever seen will you give me a free beer?

The bartender says, Sure, but Ive got to warn you Ive seen a LOT of things in my time.



Yeah, but youve never seen anything like this! says the man opening the box to reveal a tiny little person playing a piano, jamming away, He plays Bach, Stravinsky, He plays John Cage, he plays it all,



The bartender is mightily impressed.



That IS the neatest thing Ive ever seen. Where did you get him?



Well I was walking on the beach, found this brass lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,



Do you think I could have a wish too? the barman asks.



Sure, says the man, producing the lamp from his coat pocket. The bartender gives it a rub, and then the genie pops out, so the bartender says I wish for a million bucks! POOF! The bar is full of duks. They are flying around, crapping on everuthing, theyre everywhere. The bartender screams at the man, Why didnt you tell me your Genie was DEFECTIVE!!!?



Yep, hard of hearing. I didnt ask for a 12-Inch Pianist, either.

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: Im sorry
The wife means: Youll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All were going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: Im coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: Im not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

What you do to your first babys pacifier by boiling it and to your
last babys pacifier by blowing on it.

Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?

A: Chances are theyll both end up in the gutter.

A man is in a room and the door is locked so he cant get out. He has with him a piano, a calander, and a bed. How does he eat drink and get out?



Answer: He uses the dates from the calander to eat, the springs from the bed to drink and the keys from the piano to get out.

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day… when she
was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped
out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home
folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by
the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning
against a post in front of the convent.

She couldnt get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be
in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it
in a piece of paper, on which she had written, Dont despair,
Sister Eulalia, and threw it out of the window to him. He picked
it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped
his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her cell saying her beads when she was
told that some man was at her door who insisted on seeing her.
She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for
her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When
she asked what they were for he replied, Thats the sixty bucks
you have coming. Dont Despair paid 5-1.

Each fencer shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one sword and the proper protective gear.
Play on the strip must be approved by the owner of the target.
Unlike conventional fencing, the object is to impale the target.
For most effective play, the sword should have a firm, but not sharp, blade.The owner of the target is permitted to check the blade and protective equipment before play begins.
Target owners reserve the right to restrict blade length to avoid damage to the target.
The object of the game is to lunge, recover, lunge, recover until the target owner is satisfied that enough touches have been scored. Failure to do so may result in a black card and being banned from the strip.
It is considered bad form to begin fencing immediately upon arrival at the strip.It is important to engage in certain exercise before fencing.The experienced fencer will check out the entire strip, paying close attention to any elevations present.
Fencers are cautioned not to mention other strips they have or are currently fencing on to the strip owner.Broken blades and dented guards may result from angered strip owners.
It is very important for fencers to bring the proper protective gear, just in case.
Fencers should assure themselves that their match is properly scheduled, particularly when fencing on a new strip for the first time. Previous fencers have been known to become irate if they discover someone else fencing on what they consider to be a private strip.
Fencers should not assume that all targets are eligible at all times.Some fencers may be embarrassed if they find the strip to be temporarily under repair.More advanced fencers will find alternative moves.
Fencers are advised to obtain strip owners permission before lunging for the more advanced targets.
Slow fencing is encouraged; however, fencers should be prepared to fence at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the strip owners request.
Fencers are reminded that foil and epee fencers may only use the tip of the blades, whereas sabre fencers are encouraged to use the whole length.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to fence on the strip several times times in one meet.
The strip owner will be the soul judge of who is the best fencer.

Fencers are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given strip. Additional assessments may be levied by the strip owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many fencers prefer to continue to fence on several different strips.

Chocolate is derived
from cocoa beans.
Beans = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both of them
are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate bars also contain milk,
which contains calcium.
So, chocolate bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose
10 pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
Thats why I had to pass this on – – – I didnt want to risk it.

Have you heard there is a lot of mergers going on in the information technology industry, here are a few examples of deals in the works although they havent been formally announced yet!

Pitney Bowes may merge with Honeywell Bull to create Pit Bull: Theyll have the first postal meter that bites unauthorized users.

CheckFree Corp., Inacomp, and Beyond Mail will become Checks InaMail.

Real World Accounting and Virgin Interactive will become Real Active Virgin: Recommended by Madonna.

Dell Computer and Farmers Almanac will become Farmers in the Dell: Theyll specialize in computers that can predict crop yields and planting times.

Megahertz Corp., My Software, and Fastback will become MyBackHertz: Their specialty will be easy to use PCMCIA backup!