Old and New Jokes

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, Is God male or female?

After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,Well God is both male and female.



This confuses the little boy, so he asks, Is God black or white?



Well, God is both black and white.



This further confuses the boy so he asks, Is God gay or straight?



At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the less,



Honey, God is both gay and straight.



At this the boys face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks…



Is God Michael Jackson?

Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.

The following are possible new shows being considered for network TV.

Doggie Bowser, MD — The story of a brilliant 5 year old Springer Spaniel that
becomes a brain surgeon.

Wheel of Torture — A gameshow where the blond hostess is spun on a giant
wheel, while contestants earn prizes by hurling large sharp edged letters at
her to spell words.

Murry Brownose — The laugh-a-minute escapades of a young TV reporter who tries
his best to break into the big time by sucking up to the bosses.

Cutie and the Priest — The story of an impossible yet inspiring love-bond
between a cocktail waitress and a poetry reciting bearded clergyman.

Herald O. Revealer — An obnoxious TV personality will break into randomly
selected homes and show on live TV what shocking things people keep in their
closets.

Carlos in Charge — A weekly sitcom about a ruthless yet sensitive Columbian
drug-lord and his two daughters.

This Old Louse — A do-it-yourself show aimed at women who want to improve the
appearance and habits of their husbands.

Married, with Hemorrhoids — A light hearted look at marital life after age 40.

China Bitch — A drama series centered around the life of a dedicated, lesbian
Vietnam War nurse.

Murder, She Rewrote — A murder-mystery series about a rich, elderly woman who
cleverly solves crimes by using the same script over and over each week
changing only the names.

It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “Im going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along. They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and Ill come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldnt bag an elephant — much less a deer. But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire. Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay!You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

Angry Dad (at 3am): Well, young lady, where have you been until this hour!?

Daughter: Ive been sitting up with the son of the sick man you tell Mom you were sitting up with.

The winning entry in a competition to find the most unfriendly error message was this one, which appeared after all the users computer files had been deleted:

Were you sure?

Hard drive — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard —- Place to hang your truck keys.

Window —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Floppy —— When you run out of Polygrip.

Modem ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.

ROM ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

Byte ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.

Reboot —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Network —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

Mouse ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

LAN ——– To borrow as in, Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.

Cursor —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

bit ——— A wager as in, I bit you cant spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.

digital control — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

packet —— What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

PASSENGER
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a line. This line has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
GROUP
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
SIGN
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
POSITION CLOSED
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, Form line here.
BAGGAGE CLAIM
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, Baggage Claim Area.
CARRY ON BAG
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passengers seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON-TIME
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
FOG
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
TICKET AGENT
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they start carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.

Q: Why were the bones chasing the skull?

A: Because they wanted to get ahead.

Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A. Because he was pissed off!