Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
07
Dec
07
Dec
One day timmy and jane were in the woods and timmy oulled his pants down and jane asked whats that?
Timmy says I dont know?
Then Jane pulls her pants down and timmy asks whats that?
She says I dont know? so they said Lets find out.
So timmy goes home and asks his dad what that was and his dad replies thats your tricycle when ever u get a chance park it in a girls garage.
Then Jane asks her mom, whats that? her mom replies, thats ur garage dont ever let a boy park his tricycle in it.
So they both meet up in the woods and timmy says this is my tricycle and jane says this is my garage.
Later that day jane goes home and she is covered in blood and hr mom says jane what happened?
Jane replies dont worry mom this isnt my blood, timmy tried parking his tricycle in my garage so i ripped his back wheels off.
07
Dec
En el océano Atlántico se encontraban dos barcos en alta mar, uno era un retiro espiritual de sólo monjas y el otro de una despedida de soltero donde lógicamente iban sólo hombres.
De repente el barco de los hombres empieza a incendiarse y todos los tripulantes tienen que saltar al agua. Empezaron a nadar hasta el otro barco y suplicando dijeron a las monjas:
¡Déjennos subir por favor, que nos ahogamos!
Las monjas contestaron, ¡No porque ustedes nos violan!
¡Por favor no nos dejen ahogar dejennos subir!
¡No porque ustedes nos violan!
¡Se lo suplicamos, por favor!
La monja superiora dice, Está bien, pero con la condición de que les cortamos el pene según la profesión que tenga cada uno.
Ellos dijeron que sÃ, que lo que fuera.
Subió el primer hombre y le preguntaron ¿usted que es? Soy arquitecto. Y pum… ¡se lo cortaron con una regla!.
Subió el segundo ¿y usted qué es? Soy peluquero y pum… ¡se lo cortaron con unas tijeras!
Subió el tercero ¿y usted? Soy campesino. ¡Pum! con un machete.
El cuarto era un negro y estaba muerto de la risa y una monja le pregunta, ¿muy feliz porque se lo vamos a cortar?
Y dice el negro, Lo que pasa es que yo soy paletero y a mi me lo tienen que chupar hasta que se me caiga…!
07
Dec
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
07
Dec
Q: What is a chord?
A: Three violists playing in unison.
07
Dec
Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a – b) = t(a – b)
a^2 – b^2 = ta – tb
a^2 – ta = b^2 – tb
a^2 – ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 – tb + (t^2)/4
(a – t/2)^2 = (b – t/2)^2
a – t/2 = b – t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
07
Dec
Q: Have you heard about Michael Jacksons new book?
A: Its called, The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing
07
Dec
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. 5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die. 6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – theres no use in two people remembering the same thing. 7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 10. There are 2 times when a man doesnt understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.
07
Dec
The following are strange error messages you can get Unix to generate.
They were culled during the summer of 1988 from rec.humor. As
we all know, real error messages have two parts: a message code, and a
return code. Ideally, the message code is hexadecimal, the return code
is octal, and the manual explaining the error messages uses decimal.
But Unix ™, in keeping with its characteristic lexical confusion,
produces error messages which, although designed to make the system
appear sentient, and conversational, ultimately make the system seem as
stupid as it is. Note that the % prompt indicates that the command
should be issued from the C shell, and the $ prompt indicates the
Bourne shell. Enjoy.
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% How would you rate Reagans incompetence?
Unmatched .
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many (s.
% make love
Make: Dont know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man: : Too many arguments.
% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% (-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create
07
Dec
The Kiddie Pick
When youre by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, theres no time limit!
Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe youve got an itch but youre really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, youre probably entitled to dessert.
Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no ones looking.
Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they dont catch on to what you did.
Pick And Roll
No explanation needed.
Pick And Flick
Ditto.
Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a Pick and Flick, but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
Paydirt
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.