Old and New Jokes

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?

Shoot the lawyer twice

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.

He quickly answered, Oh that? The dogs leash goes slack!

Había 3 homosexuales comentando entre ellos que querían ser. El primero dice:

Yo quisiera ser mariposa.

Los demás le dicen ¿Mariposa?

Sí, para volar, volar y volar.

El segundo dice: yo quisiera ser gallina.

¿Gallina?

Sí, imagínate un gallo que te pise todos los días.

El tercero dice: yo quisiera ser ambulancia.

¿Ambulancia?

¡Sí, te imaginas que te abran por detrás, te metan un hombre entero y salir uuuiiiiiiiiiii!

Un niño llega a la comisaría de policía sollozando y con lágrimas. Un carabinero conmovido por tal situación se le acerca:

¿Qué te pasa, mijito?

Es que estaba en mi casa y al pasar por el dormitorio de mis papás escuché que mi mamá le decía a mi papá: Viejo, viejo, me voy… ¡Me voy! Y mi papá le respondía: Sí, vieja. ¡Yo también me voy! Y yo pa no quedarme solo me vine pa ca.

Un motorista de la Guardia Civil para un coche que circula a gran velocidad:

Buenos días, ¿se ha dado cuenta que iba usted a más de 180?

Lo siento, pero es que estoy muy borracho y no me fijo en las señales.

¿Me permite su carnet de conducir?

No va a poder ser, me lo retiraron por atropellar dos ancianas.

¿Los papeles del coche?

Es que no es mío, lo acabo de robar.

Mire en la guantera, quizás estén ahí.

¡Imposible, los habría visto cuando puse la pistola!

¿Qué pistola?

Hombre, la pistola con la que maté a la niña que llevo en el maletero…

El guardia civil, asustado, retrocede hacia su moto y por la radio pide refuerzos. Inmediatamente se presentan varios coches de la Guardia Civil y rodean al infractor.

El comandante se acerca al conductor:

Buenos días, ¿me permite su permiso de circulación?

No faltaba más, aquí tiene usted.

¿Los papeles del vehículo?

Por supuesto, tenga usted.

Ahora, con mucho cuidado… ¿Podría abrir la guantera?

Claro. (Abre y se ve la guantera vacía).

Ahora, ábrame el maletero. (El conductor abre y… ¡El maletero está vacío!)

Perdone, pero no entiendo nada, hemos venido urgentemente porque nos habían dicho que estaba usted borracho, que conducía sin carnet, que el vehículo era robado y sin papeles, que llevaba una pistola en la guantera, un cadáver en el maletero…

El conductor, interrumpiéndole, lanza:

¡No me diga más, seguro que también le han dicho que conducía con exceso de velocidad! ¿Verdad?

Freemans Commentary on Ginsbergs theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsbergs Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at 88.
Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
Rust problem in engineering causes support failure– one corner
of warp coil now held up by phone book.
Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with w.
Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
Captains chair must be propped up against screen to keep image
from flickering.
Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling
through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either
side become too steep for crew to climb.
Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2
people on board.
Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop and the ship is
overcome by ten thousand care bears.
Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft
macaroni and cheese.
Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
Bug in main computer speech processor– computer voice will either
stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in
Wesleys shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
Ships dryer indiscriminately shreds crews uniforms, and related
problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing
with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says
Pretty please with sugar on it.
Riker unable to sleep for 2 weeks when holodeck computer crashes
and loses access to nude volleyball program.
Replacement parts for automatic door to captains ready room are
exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

Q. Whats the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?

A: Vibrato.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say Not bad,
but I couldve done better.

Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches his everlasting
reward, the guy in the robe says, Youre going to spend eternity with
this combo, OK? Theres a bass player named Mingus and a pianist
named Monk, and any day now we expect this Blakey guy to show up
with his drums. Wow! the guy says, I never imagined heaven would be this
good. So the guy in the robe says, This is hell, not heaven. Theres
a girl singer.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?

The second kid says, Im in here to get my tonsils out and Im a little nervous.

The first kid says, Youve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. Its a breeze!

The second kid then asks, What are you here for?

The first kid says, A circumcision.

The second kid says, Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldnt walk for a year!

Q: Why did the number get mad at his wife?
A: Because she was being irrational.