Old and New Jokes

Ebonics Version of Windows 98 Debuts!

Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled It be a fresh Window. It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.

There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.

When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a phat getto track that melts em down wit dope-ass bass, The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall – along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.

On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with Dis My Shit.

The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.

If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With Da Hood.

Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: Marquee, a lil G spray- painting dirty words that move across the screen; or Flying Bullets, a 64 Olds loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.

Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:

1.

Break Back In = Re-entry

2.

Aww Shit = Error

3.

U Betta Recognize = Delete

4.

Itz All Good = OK

5.

4 Real Doe =Yes

6.

Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel

7.

Do Dat Shit Again = Reset

8.

R U Crazy = Are You Sure

9.

Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find

10. Put A Cap In It = Delete

11. Games & Shit = Programs

12. Letter Shit = Documents

The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled Homie Essentials.

The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed:

1.

Dat Thang = File

2.

I Be Seein It = View

3.

Put Sumpin In = Insert

4.

Hook It Up = Format

5.

Stuff I Aint gone Need =Tools

6.

Number Shit = Table

7.

Break In = Window

8.

What Da F*C@*K@? = Help

Note: Stuff I aint gone need (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with Keepin it Real.

En cierta ocasión, una familia inglesa que veraneaba por Escocia en uno de su muchos paseos, observó una preciosa casita de campo que de inmediato les pareció adecuada para ocuparla en su próximo veraneo. Indagaron quién era el dueño y éste resultó ser un pastor de la iglesia anglicana, al que se dirigieron para pedirle les mostrara la pequeña finca. El propietario amablemente se las mostró y, tanto por la comodidad del lugar como por su ubicación, fue del agrado de la familia quedando comprometidos a alquilarla para sus próximas vacaciones.

Ya de regreso en Inglaterra, platicando sobre la casa de campo escocesa, la esposa recordó que no había visto el W.C., y dado lo practico que son los ingleses, la mujer decidió escribirle al propietario para preguntarle por el mismo en los siguientes términos:

Estimado pastor:

Hace unos días visitamos su finca con deseos de alquilarla para nuestras vacaciones y, como omitimos enterarnos de un detalle, quiero suplicarle que nos indique dónde se encuentra el W.C.

Finalizó la carta con lo acostumbrado y decidió enviarla dónde el pastor. Al recibirla éste, quien ignoraba que la abreviatura W.C. se refería al baño, creyendo que se trataba de una capilla anglicana llamada West Chapel, respondió la carta de esta forma:

Estimada señora:

Tengo el gusto de informarle que el lugar al que se refiere se encuentra a sólo 12 Km de distancia de las casas. Es un rodeo molesto, sobre todo si se tiene la costumbre de ir con frecuencia, sin embargo, algunas personas llevan comida y permanecen en este sitio todo el día, por lo que se recomienda llegar temprano. Algunas personas llegan allí caminando, otras en camión o en tranvía, no obstante, todas llegan en el momento justo. Hay cupo para 400 personas sentadas y 100 de pie. Los asientos están forrados de terciopelo marrón y hay aire acondicionado para evitar bochornos y aglomeraciones. Se sugiere ir temprano para alcanzar lugar. Por cierto, por no hacerlo así hace diez años, mi esposa tuvo que soportar todo el acto de pie y desde entonces no ha vuelto a utilizar tal servicio. Los niños se sientan juntos y cantan a coro. A la entrada se les da a todos y cada uno un papel y las personas que no alcanzan la repartición pueden usar el papel del compañero de asiento, sin embargo, al salir, deben regresar dicho papel para seguir haciendo uso de él durante todo el mes. Todo lo depositado ahí es para dar de comer a los huérfanos del hospicio. También hay fotógrafos profesionales que los retratarán en diversas posturas que serán publicadas en los diarios de esta ciudad en la sección de sociales, lo que les dará la oportunidad de conocer a tantas personalidades en estos actos; también hay magníficos micrófonos para no perder detalle del sonido.

Atentamente, el Pastor.

Los ingleses, al leer la respuesta del ministro, estuvieron a punto de desmayarse y, a pesar de la flema británica, renunciaron a pasar sus vacaciones en tal lugar.

by Robert Chen

You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat with them and pretend not to notice.

12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain that it goes too fast.

13. Burp to the tune of Jingle Bells.

14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell, Hey! and shake your head.

15. Remark on how the foods sanitation is open to question. Recall the time you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food for seasoning. Ask the person next to you to be your Food Tester.

16. Enter the dining hall half naked. If youre not immediately removed from the premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how theyre enjoying their meal.

17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake your head angrily and yell, What about vegetables?! Dont they have rights too?!

18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is youre eating and shove it into your neighbors face. Offer him or her a bite.

19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you received, starting again every once in a while. When youre done, go up to the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to make a scene.

20. Same as above, but with burgers.

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux (TIB-a-dough). He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, You were drunk again last night werent you, Boudreaux? Boudreaux said, Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting? Well, Clotile said, it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly……its all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

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The perfect woman survived.

Shes the only one who really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

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***** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke! *****

***** Men keep scrolling. *****

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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if youre a woman and youre reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, its not really shit.

Islam: If shit happens, its the will of Allah

Protestantism: Shit happens because you dont work hard enough.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Catholicism: Shit happens because youre bad.

Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!

T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!

Atheism: No shit.

Jehovahs Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.

Hedonism: Theres nothing like a good shit happenin.

Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesnt.

Existentialism: What is shit anyway?

Stoicism: This shit doesnt bother me.

Rastafarianism: Lets smoke this shit!

Top Ten
Reasons Why Diets Are Better Than Sex
10. You dont have to take off your clothes.

9. You can go from diet to diet without feeling guilty.

8. Celery is ALWAYS hard.

7. On a deit, you carefully consider everything you put in your mouth.

6. Its GOOD if a diet is over quickly.

5. Dieting doesnt make you pregnant.

4. You can doze off in the middle if you want to.

3. Its okay if your dog watches.

2. You can do it with your best friends husband.
And the number one reason why dieting is better than sex….
1. You dont have to worry if it was good for the cottage cheese too.

Why do men whistle when theyre sitting on the toilet?

Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

En una litera de tren, en la cama de arriba, se oye:

¡Ah, Manolo, cómeme la lechugita! ¡Oh, oh!

Pili, cómeme el nabito. ¡Sí! ¡Oh! ¡Sí!

Al cabo de un rato se oye desde abajo:

A ver, los de la ensalada de arriba. ¡Joder, qué se os está cayendo la mayonesa!