Cookies and milk
out; eggs, beef, chicken, cheese in
North Pole Santa Claus announced today in his annual pre-holiday press
conference that he has begun the popular Atkins diet, and is asking for
help from families around the globe. Atkins dieters are allowed to consume
large amounts of high-fat foods such as eggs, beef, and cheese. Carbohydrates,
which are found in pasta, breads, and fruits, and sweets, are not allowed.
Mr. Claus said that he decided to start the diet after he could not fit
into the trousers he wore to deliver gifts last year.
"I couldnt bring myself to buy new trousers, and I havent had
a good body image lately. I had to do something, and quick", said
Claus. "Having a belly like a bowl full of jelly is one thing, but
being a complete fat ass is another. I mean, even my jolly little toe
has fat on it." According to inside sources, Mrs. Claus may have
also played a part in his decision to lose weight.
An elf, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Mrs. Claus "is
getting more and more involved" with day-to-day operations, especially
as Christmas nears. "She pretty much runs the toy factory, and she
is making all the elves work a lot of overtime. Plus, she made us all
sign waivers saying we wouldnt sue if we got injured on the job. Now,
Santa suddenly goes on the Atkins diet? I guarantee that is her doing.
Shes a real pain in the ass. Weve all started calling her Yoko".
Santa says that his goal is to lose twenty pounds before he delivers
gifts on Christmas Eve, leaving him plump, but not grossly obese. And,
says Claus, he needs everyones help to stick to his diet.
"I am asking the families of the world to leave snacks for me that
are low in carbohydrates. Unfortunately, this means that the traditional
snack of cookies and milk is not acceptable. Good alternatives are scrambled
eggs, cheese, beef, or chicken."
Experts agree that a thinner Claus may be a healthier Claus, but think
that the new snack requests may spoil some of the fun and tradition of
Christmas.
"I think its great that Santa wants to lose a few pounds",
says holiday expert Michelle Bosler. "But a great Christmas traditions
is being altered. Leaving cookies and milk for Santa Claus dates back
hundreds of years. I dont think families will enjoy scrambling eggs or
broiling a T-bone for Santa quite as much. And these low carbohydrate
snacks are much more expensive than a couple of store bought cookies."
Despite the criticism, Claus vows to stick to his Atkins diet. "Im
going to do this. Ive tried other diets, and I just cant stick to them.
I mean, have you ever had a SlimFast shake? Tastes like liquefied wood."
North Pole spokesperson Sandy Ashton said that if families are uncomfortable
leaving eggs or meat as a snack, they could opt to leave no snack at all.
"Wed rather Santa not have a snack than eat foods that are high
in carbohydrates. For families who dont wish to leave a low-carb snack,
we ask that they leave a note of encouragement for Santa, or some bourbon,
which is a low-carbohydrate beverage. Dieting is difficult, and he needs
support if he is going to succeed."
Sandy McTavish was walking the Macys basement sale when, before his
eyes on the sale table, was a bolt of the McTavish tartan! Hed been
in New York for about six years and his kilt showed it, so the need
was there, the price was right and he approached the sales clerk (youll
have to supply your own Scottish burr).
Lassie, Eyd like a yayrd an a haf o the McTavish tartin
Beg your pardon sir?
Yaryrd an a haf o the McTavish tartin, Im needin a new kilt
Im sorry sir, youll have to show me the material you mean
So he walked her over to the sale table and showed her what he wanted.
Sorry sir, that plaid only comes in three yard lengths
Ya dunna understand lassie, I dunna need three yayrds, I need a yayrd an a haf
Im sorry sir, you dont understand, that plaid comes in three yard lengths,
why not take a yard and a half, make your kilt, and take the other yard and a
half and make a scarf for your girl friend?
It was clear that Sandy needed a new kilt and that he was going to have to buy
three yards if he was going to get the McTavish tartan…
All ryut, Ill buy the thrree yayrds!
He did and went home, made a new kilt and a scarf for his girl friend. He
was so pleased with his new kilt that he decided hed go over and show it to
her and let the scarf be a surprise. As he was running over to her house he
forgot that the pattern hed used was over six years old and hed lost some
forty pounds in the mean time (two stone?). As a result, the new kilt slipped
down off his waist, over his hips and was gone. He got to her door and knocked.
She saw him in the window and opened the door and as she did, he threw open
his coat and said:
Well! How dee ya lyke et?
She looked and thought a moment and replied, I guess I like it just fine.
Aye Lass, and theres another one nahalf yards yell be gettin for Christmas!
One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!
No. You had your chance.
A minute later the boy screamed Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?
No. You had your chance. Next time you ask Ill come up there and spank you.
Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Three blonds were walking along the beach one morning, when all of a sudden one blond stops dead in her tracks. The blond starts screaming, Like oh my God, like look, like its a sea shell!
The blond picks up the shell and starts to brush the sand off it. Suddenly a Genie appears! The Genie bows to his new masters, and says I will grant you 3 wishes.
Being that there were three of them, they each decided to use one whish.
The first blond says, Like, could you make me 20% smarter?
The Genie nods and the blond in 20% smarter. The next blond says, Cool! Like I want to be 50% smarter, like ok.
The Genie again nods and she is 50% smarter.
The third blond after seeing this decides to out due her friends. I, like want to be 100% smarter!
There is a big puff of dust and the girl dis-appears for a moment. When the dust settles there is a poodle left standing!
A 7-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, baby Jesus. However, there was also a fat man standing in the corner of the stable. When the child was asked about it, she replied, Oh, Thats Round John Virgin.
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. Henry, he said, Im counting on you to do your stuff. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didnt stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, Stop, Henry, youll kill yourself. But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, Oh you poor thing, look what you did, youve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.
Shhhhh, Henry whispered, The buzzard is getting closer.
Q: What do you call a girl that masturbates with a pickle?
A: A sour-puss
Ive learned that the people you care most about in life are
taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just
never go away.
The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadnt dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, Dont I even get my agents ten percent as a deduction?
No siree, she said. If you want it, youre going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns.
The agent didnt like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lovers vitality.
My goodness, she whispered in the dark, you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent.
Im not your agent, lady, a strange voice answered. Hes at the door selling tickets.