Peter says, Now, to get into Heaven you have to answer a simple question. How many years were you married and did you ever cheat on your wife?The first man says, Well, I was married 45 years and I cheated on my wife 10 times.Okay, since you were so good you get this car, not the best not the worst. The first man drove away in his car.The second man steps up and shrugged, I was married 35 years and only cheated on her twice. Okay, heres your car, not the best, not the worst. And the second man drove off.The third man stepped up and said proudly, I was married 75 years and I never cheated on my wife.Wow, okay, heres your car, the very best. And the third man drove off in the best car.Two days later the three men meet up again. The third man is crying. Whats wrong? they ask him.I just saw my wife. he says. And she was driving a skateboard.
There was a red head, a brunette, and a blonde all in an adults only erotic shop.
The red head walks up to the counter and tells the man that she would like the red vibrator.
He takes it down off the shelf and says ok thatll be twenty dollars. She pays and goes off on her merry way.
The brunette walks up to the man and says that she would like the yellow vibrator.
He take the yellow one off the shelf and says ok, miss, thatll be twenty dollars.
She pays and goes off on her merry way.
The blonde walks over to the man blushes and says yes, sir, I would like the plaid one please. The man turns around to see the plaid vibrator and smiling, says thatll be 75 dollars.
The blonde pays and goes off on her merry way.
The owner of the store comes in and asks the man how the sales were that day.
He replies, Well, I sold a red and a yellow vibrator for 20 dollars each, and i sold your thermos to some lady for 75 bucks!
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped … and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground. Police say the apparent cause of death was major trauma. An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
Pepito, que tal, ¿Qué fue de tu viejo?
Mi padre murió en un accidente…
¡Pero qué lástima…! No sabÃa nada.
SÃ, fue tremendo… pero sé que sus últimas palabras me las dijo a mÃ.
Ah, ¿s�.. ¿y cuáles fueron?
¡No muevas la escaleraaaaaa!
Se encuentran los dos reos en su celda platicando:
Bueno, ya lo tengo planeado. Mañana nos fugamos.
¡Al fin seremos libres!
La noche siguiente…
Ya cambiaron la guardia, es el momento. ¿Tienes la soga?
Aquà está.
¡Espera, oigo un ruido!
Llega el guardia:
¡Periódico!
…
Oye esto: Subió otra vez la carne; el pan está por las nubes; los pasajes aumentaron el 50%; no hay dinero ni en los bancos…
Pensándolo bien. ¡Qué padre se la pasa uno en el bote! ¿No?
Things go right so they can go wrnog.
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: What would you find in Supermans bathroom?
A: Superbowl.
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, Is God male or female?
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, Well God is both male and female.
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, Is God black or white?
Well, God is both black and white.
This further confuses the boy so he asks, Is God gay or straight?
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
Honey, God is both gay and straight.
At this the boys face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, Is God Michael Jackson?
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, Mommy, I got five dollars!
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, Dont you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties. OOOOhhhh said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, Where did you get the ten dollars from? The little girl replied, Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed. The mother replied, Didnt I tell you that he is… Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didnt wear any panties today.