Old and New Jokes

One day there was three guys, a American, Australian and German. They
were all braging about how long their dicks were so they decided to put it
to a test.

All of them walked up a fifty story building and floped it out.

First the German went and it fell to 15 stories and they all were
impressed.

Then the Australian went and he floped it out and his fell to 30 stories
and the other two were impressed.

Then the last, the American went and as soon as he floped it out he started
wiggling his waist and the other two said What are you doing?

He said doging traffic.

The Government
has issued new guidelines for a healthy diet. They advise you to:
1. List your ten favourite foods.
2. List your five favourite drinks.
3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or
little trees.
4. List water.
5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldnt find it, so she asked a police officer for directions –
Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?

The officer replied, Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. Itll take you right there. She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?

The blonde replied, Dont worry, officer, it wont be long now…
The 45th bus just went by!

Its passages like the following that make it all worthwhile:



Whats highway violence?



Its when one driver gets ticked off at another driver and does something about it using a weapon such as a gun, knife, club, or tire iron.



During the period 1990 through 1995, 218 deaths and thousands of injuries were reported nationwide. You can use Excel functions to learn more about this data.

A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years hes very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

How have you been? he asks.

Ive been fine, just fine, she replies, Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.

Bad news first, please.

Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.

Oh my, thats too bad. Im sorry to hear that.

But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!

Hopefully, all the humor-impaired and those who cant understand warnings have lost interest, so here we go with more Clinton jokes (offensive to Bill Clinton and his fans, Arkansas, etc.):

Did you hear they changed Highway 69 in Arkansas to the Bill Clinton Highway?

Thats because its real slick, real crooked, doesnt go anywhere, and its got a yellow stripe down the middle.

Clinton went to Arkansas for a visit. When he returned, he was asked if he got any strange stuff while there.

Sure did, he replied. Did you pay for it? he was asked.

Why no, he answered,Them hookers dont charge kin.

Clinton and Dan Quayle had a spelling contest.

Clinton lost because he thought harass was two words.

Q: Why is Hillary against sending U.S. troops to Bosnia or Haiti?

A: Shes afraid Bill will run off to college again!

Q: Why did Clinton go to Russia?

A: He was homesick.

El otro día mi abuela me escribió una carta que decía textualmente así:

Querido nieto:

El otro día tuve una experiencia religiosa muy buena, que quería compartir contigo. Fui a la librería cristiana y allí encontré una calcomanía para el auto que decía:

Tocá bocina si amas a Dios.

Dado que había tenido un día muy malo, decidí comprarla y pegarla en el paragolpes de mi auto. Al salir manejando, llegué a un cruce de dos avenidas que estaba muy complicado, con muchos autos. La temperatura exterior era de 37 grados y era la hora de salida de las oficinas. Allí me quedé parada, porque la luz estaba roja, pensando en el Señor y como El es bueno, no me dí cuenta que la luz se había puesto verde, pero descubrí que muchos otros aman al Señor porque inmediatamente comenzaron a sonar las bocinas. La persona que estaba detrás de mi auto (sin duda muy religiosa) tocaba la bocina sin parar y me gritaba:

– Dale por el amor de Dios.

Dirigidos por él, todos hacían sonar la bocina. Yo les sonreí y los saludaba con la mano a través de la ventanilla. Vi que otro muchacho me saludaba de una manera particular levantando sólo el dedo medio de la mano. Le pregunté a otro de mis nietos, que estaba conmigo, que quería decir ese saludo, contestándome que era un saludo Hawaiano de buena onda. Entonces yo saqué mi mano por la ventana y saludé a todos de la misma manera.

Mi nieto se doblaba de la risa, supongo que por la bella experiencia religiosa que estaba viviendo. Dos hombres de un auto cercano, se bajaron y comenzaron a caminar hacia mi auto, creo que para rezar conmigo o para preguntarme a que templo voy.

Pero en ese momento fue que vi que la luz estaba verde. Entonces saludé a todos mis hermanos y hermanas y pasé la luz. Luego de cruzar, noté que el único auto que había podido pasar era el mío, ya que la luz volvió a ponerse en rojo y me sentí triste de dejarlos allí después de todo el amor que habíamos compartido.

Por lo tanto paré el auto, me bajé, saludé a todos con el saludo hawaiano por última vez y me fui. Ruego a Dios por todos esos buenos hombres y mujeres.

Besos, tu abuela.

Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Sign in a Norwegian lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: Please do not disturb further.

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Sign in a veterinarys waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

What does a Redneck and a Tornado have in common? Trailer parks……sooner or later they both end up in one…

Youre so fat that when you went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.