Old and New Jokes

Father: If I had ten oranges and gave you two, how many would I have left?

Son: I dont know, because in school we learn on apples.

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. Why?Because its been lying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs. At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, Wow! How do you know all this stuff?Uh, I was thinking quickly, …all moms knows this stuff. Um, its on The Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they dont let you be a Mommy.We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. OH…I get it! she beamed, So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy.

Q: What do you call a blonde without an asshole?

A: Divorced.

I received this bulletin today and thought I should pass it on in time to save everyone the embarrassment of making passe, partisan holiday plan faux pas.

RE: Chrismukah

Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens.

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.

This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for your pet, something theyll really appreciate, like:

Lick your dog in the face.
Bring your cat a dead bird.
Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.
Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.
Eat supper on the floor.
Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.

From Ha! at http://www.flash.net/~comedy

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

No, Im sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the mans doctor came into the room.

Whats going on here? asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, Whats the matter, Doc? Havent you ever seen someone having his temperature taken?

After a pause, the doctor confessed, Well, no. I guess I havent. Not with a carnation, anyway.

Got this one from my sisters boyfriend, Cajan accordionist extrordinaire,
after he sold me his banjo:

Whats the difference between a runover skunk and a runover banjo player?

The skunk was on its way to a gig.

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.

Really? said the doctor. Youre healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?

The old man says, OK, doc. Ill think about it.

Six months later, the doctor sees the old man on the street. He asks him how his new marriage is working out.

Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant.

The doctor nods knowlingly and says, So you took my advice and took in a boarder?

The old man winked and said, Yep. And shes pregnant too!

Dear God,

Make me less intense.

I know you well, in fact i know you more than you know yourself.

So do as I say, or you know whats going to happen..

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
Show the lady your finest mink! the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and discreetly whispers,

Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

No problem! Ill write you a check!

Very good, sir. says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: How dare you show your face in here?! There wasnt a single penny in your checking account!!

I just had to come by, grinned the guy, to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!