Once there was a beautiful princess who had many suitors who wished to marry her. Her father, the King, picked three and told them that they would have to compete in a contest to marry his daughter. Whomever won got to marry her.

He called the 3 men to his castle and told them what to do. He said I give you each 3 months to go around the world and collect as many ping pong balls as you can. Whomever collects the most can marry my daughter.

And so the three went off.

A month later one came back. He had found 2,000 ping pong balls. The king said that was pretty good but he must wait for the others to return.

The next month another man came back. He had found 5,000 ping pong balls. The king siad that that was pretty good also but must wait for the final man.

On the last day of the last month, a dirty, beat-up looking man stumbled into the kings castle. He was carrying something in his hands. So the king said to him how many ping pong balls did you get?

Ping pong balls? said the guy. I thought you said King Kongs balls.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make themscream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

A man calls his mother in Florida. Mom, how are you? Not too


good, says the mother. Ive been very weak.

The son says, Why are you so weak? She says, Because I havent


eaten in 38 days. The man says, Thats terrible! Why havent you eaten


in 38 days?

The mother answers, Because I didnt want my mouth to be filled with


food if you should call.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. But, officer, the man began, I can explain.

Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

But, officer, I just wanted to say…

And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail! A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.

Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom!

IF AIRLINES SOLD PAINT . . .

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: Whats the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isnt any difference; its all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then Id like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. Its my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: Youve got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: Ill check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesnt mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We dont have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you havent actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so Ill have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you cant do that. If you buy paint and dont use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you dont, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I dont keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, Paint on sale from $10 a liter signs?

Clerk: Well thats for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! Ill buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I dont think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you wont be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: Thats if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, youll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, well charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe youre getting it now, sir.

Customer: Youre insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?

A. Wed eat pussy every Thanksgiving

Q. Three words to ruin a mans ego…

A. Is it in?

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?

A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Whats the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS

A. Nothing.

Q: Whats the speed limit of sex?

A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Whats the ultimate rejection?

A: When youre masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?

A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Q: Why do men whistle when theyre sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading youre-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to instruction manuals

Q. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?

A. Hair balls.

Q. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?

A. You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

Q. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?

A Come in five flavors

Q. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?

A. Crust

Q. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

Q. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

Q. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?

A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

Q. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?

A. By sticking your finger in his honey

Q. What is the ultimate rejection?

A. When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

Q. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?

A. I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

Q. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

A. Both can smell it but cant eat it

Q. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?

A. A blow job with handle bars

Q. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?

A. A mobile sperm bank.

Q. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?

A. All you can eat for under a buck.

Q. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?

A. A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A. A cherry float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A. Beat IT -were closed.

Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?

A. To find a tight seal.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. Whats the difference between sin and shame?

A. It is a sin to put it in, but its a shame to pull it out.

Q. Whats the speed limit of sex?

A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A. She kept sitting on Pinocchios face, and moaning, Lie to me!

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because its no big deal unless youre not getting any.

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinskys cheeks so puffy?

A: Shes withholding evidence

Q: Whats the difference between light and hard?

A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?

A. Because they dont have balls to scratch.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?

A. You dont need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why dont blind people like to sky dive?

A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q. Whats the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?

A. A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.

Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A. He wiped his arse on a leaf.

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q. Whats the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?

A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

A. His wife died.

Q. How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?

A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. How do you recycle toilet paper?

A. Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.

Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

A. Full up.

Q. Whats the difference between pussy and apple pie?

A. You can eat your mums apple pie

Q. Whats the difference between tampons and mobile phones?

A. Mobile phones are for arseholes.

Q. How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?

A. Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

Q. How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?

A. Put a nipple on it.

Q. Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.

The answer. A cockrobin.

The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.

Q. Whats the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?

A. Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.

Q. Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?

A. Because when youre finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?

A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. Why did Elton John sing at Dianas funeral?

A. Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.

Q.What is the difference between women and computers?

A. Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.

Q. Whats is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jacksons dreams at night?

A. Hanson.

Q. What has 4 legs and 8 arms?

A. A pitbull terrier in a childrens play area.

Q. Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?

A. Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.

Q. Whats the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

A. One says Hey,you, get out of my cloud. The other says Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe.

Q. Whats the difference between acne and a priest?

A. Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.

Q. Whats the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?

A. Dress her up as a choir boy.

Q. why do tampons have strings?

A. So you can floss after eating.

Q. Whats the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?

A. At least when youre eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.

Q. Whats the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?

A. Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.

Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?

A. They both dig dead peoples holes.

Q. Whats the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?

A. One is a hunt on the course………..

Q. What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?

A. If you dont get a fuck, you dont give a fuck.

Q. What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?

A. A blood vessel.

Q. Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?

A. Because women wouldnt do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

Q. Whats the difference between a seagull and a baby?

A. A seagull flits along the shore.

Q. What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?

A. A pimp.

Q. Whats brown and often found in childrens underpants?

A. Michael Jacksons hand.

Q. What goes CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?

A. A blind person with a Rubix cube.

Q. Whats the difference between a policemans truncheon and a magicians wand?

A. A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.

Q. what should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?

A. Wipe it off and apologise.

Q. Why isnt George Michael allowed to vote?

A. He cant go into a cubicle alone.

Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?

A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?

A. odour eaters.

Q. How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?

A. Its not hard.

Q. What should you do if your bird starts smoking?

A. Slow down, and try using Vaseline.

Q. How do you make a dog drink?

A. Put it in the blender.

Q. Why did god put men on earth?

A. Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.

Q. Whats the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A. A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q. Whats white and clings to the wall?

A. George Michaels latest release.

Q. Whats the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

A. You cant gargle with sand.

I heard this one from a dissident that our local Amnesty International
group got out:

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there a train speeding along. In one
compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young
woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.

It is completely dark.

Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his
face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : Now thats a fine young woman, the Russian
soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!

The young woman is thinking : Now thats a strange Russian soldier, hed
rather kiss that old hag than me.

The Russian soldier is thinking : Now thats a smart Czech, he steals the kiss
and I get slapped.

And the Czech dissident is thinking : Gee Im smart! We go through the
tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
Russian soldier.

Steven R Weintraub

if someone is wearing a piece of jewlery, you sayHEY, THATS NICE, …I WAS GONNA GET THAT , BUT THE MACHINE ATE MY QUARTER

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, How was I born?

Well honey… said the slightly prudish parent, the stork brought you to us.

Oh, said the boy. Well, how did you and daddy get born? he asked.

Oh, the stork brought us too.

Well how were grandpa and grandma born? he persisted.

Well darling, the stork brought them too! said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasnt been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.