Old and New Jokes

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one. The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didnt work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didnt follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, well give him one more try. Well throw him in the air one more time and if he doesnt fly, were taking him back to the store!”

1. Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cheese-filled weenies
2. Raise financial backing for my one man ice show – Davecapades!
3. Turn in Uzi for shiny new bicycle
4. Tape all the NFL games on CBS
5. Return camera number 3 to NBC
   (Here, Dave shows camera number 3 – with an NBC logo on the side)
6. Stop laughing every time I say The Fox Network
7. Have applause sign installed in my bedroom
8. To always remain loyal to this fine network – unless another network comes up with some more money
9. Learn to teeterboard nude
   (This entry is completed with a clip of senior citizens teeterboarding naked)
10. Four words: Mrs. Kathie Lee Letterman

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: Sorry, but we
dont
serve minors. So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth
between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out
flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough.A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, Excuse
me. Ill just be a second. An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is
not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender
notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: Get out now!
Youre the seventh minor Ive found in this bar tonight.The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a
3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a
nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: Youre looking sharp
tonight, come on in! This could be a major development. This proves to be
the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands
there au natural.Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that hes under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution
of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale
correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any
wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are
bassless.The bartender decides, however, that since hes only had tenor so patrons,
the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble,
he needs a rest – and closes the bar.

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to

find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a

cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

A magic potion she replies.

Well what does it for he asks. This potion will make anyone an

excellent golfer.

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is

agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his

sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of

golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He

spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every

course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After

a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the

witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk

to her.

Well, she asks, How has your game been? Great! This has been

the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and

never lost a game.

And how about your sex life? Oh, not bad.

Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many

times did you have sex last year? Hmmmm, it was three, no, four

times.

And you call that not bad? Not for a priest with a small parish.

Q: What is the title of the thinnest book in the world?

A: What men know about women

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One… a man will screw anything

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?

A: He eats beans for dinner

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

A: Because they dont have balls to scratch

Q: What is a mans idea of foreplay?

A: 30 minutes of begging

Q: How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

A: If hes breathing

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?

A: Bonds mature

Q: What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A: They are both empty from the neck up

Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?

A: Who cares

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: We dont know… Its never been done

Q: How are men and parking spaces alike?

A: The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped

Q: What is a mans idea of helping with the housework?

A: Lifting his feet so you can vacuum

Q: What is the difference between a man and E.T.?

A: E.T. phoned home

Q: What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?

A: A hot dog and a six pack of beer

From David Letterman and the Late Show…

Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesnt Give A Damn

10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy

9. When people whisper, Your fly is open, he says, Yeah, I know

8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera

7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, hell say pancakes just for the fun of lying

6. Hes no longer just fat — hes now Hugh Rodham fat

5. Tubby is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay

4. Doesnt even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore

3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as my lovely wife

2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as the house that dirty pardon money built

1. Sits in the back of Al Gores journalism class screaming, Loser!

A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.

The pickle said to the cucumber, I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar.

The cucumber said to the pickle, Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad.

The penis walks by and overhears them and says, I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up.

One morning a blind guy was walking down the street.

As he was walking he passed by a fish market, took a whiff, and said Good morning ladies!

The other day I was sitting in the doctors office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didnt even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left.

About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, Doctor, what on earth happened in there?

The doctor replied, Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant.

Pregnant? A nun? Thats impossible!, said the nurse.

I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.