The other day I was sitting in the doctors office when a nun came running out of the exam room screaming and yelling. She was so upset, she didnt even pay her bill, just slammed the door and left.

About a minute later the doctor came out and the nurse asked him, Doctor, what on earth happened in there?

The doctor replied, Well, I examined her. Then I told her she was pregnant.

Pregnant? A nun? Thats impossible!, said the nurse.

I know it. But it sure cured her hiccups.

Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep cant bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.

Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament? A: Tiger Woods.

Nice belt!

There were 2 rednecks that lived on opposite sides of the river. One was named Clearance and the other Billy.

They would always threaten to beat the crap out of each other, but said they couldnt because the river was keeping them from getting to each other.

They swore that if there was ever a bridge made that they would go across and fight.

Well a few years went by and they began to build a bridge. When it was done, Billys wife told him to go fight Clearance since there was a bridge now. So he decided to head that way.

In the middle of the bridge, there was a sign that said Clearance 11ft 3in.

All of a sudden Billys wife heard a banging on the door. There was her husband, out of breath.

She asked Well did you fight him?

He said No.

Well why not? she asked.

Because Clearance didnt look eleven feet three inches from across the river.

Here is an actual story from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. He
wanted to go out with this girl so he made up a petition to that effect,
got it signed by 50 people, and included a copy of this:

TOP 118 REASONS WHY TAMARA SHOULD GO OUT WITH ROB
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His shoelaces are hardly ever untied
Doesnt pick his nose in public
Has never put a red shirt in with the whites
Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust
When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesnt
push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor
Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; whos left?
Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures
of African gorillas
His cat seems to like him
Hasnt wet his bed for at least two weeks now
Has his own Captain Kirk coffee mug
Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked
Doesnt turn into a werewolf during full moons
He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup
Knows the capital of Eritrea
Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear
on the first date
Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem
Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword
puzzle he began in 1981
He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction
Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis
Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez
Very rarely has homicidal tendencies
Makes excellent use of his spare time
DOES NOT OVERUSE THE CAPSLOCK KEY
He subscribes to the theory that the world is round
He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghalis name unnecessarily
Is mixing up dessert and desert less and less every day
He found Waldo
Has never passed out on any world leaders front lawn
Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner
Cried at the end of John Steinbecks Of Mice and Men
Has never found rude shapes in clouds
Tries not to giggle when he cuts one
Has never blatantly misused a blender
Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds
Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks
Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends
Doesnt scrape his vegetables onto his grandmothers plate when
no one is looking
Wears male undergarments
Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit
by a falling meteorite
Is an accomplished tv-watcher
Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany
Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people
Did not mastermind Julius Caesers death; that was Cassius
Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition
Has Patrick Roys autograph
Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory
Regularly gets the high score on Super Mario Bros.
Rarely stares directly at the sun
Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base
Has never broken into a bears home and eaten all his porridge
Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60
So far, has never resorted to cannibalism
Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt
Never stares at someones wart for more than 2-3 minutes
Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up
Has no communicable diseases
No tyrannical system of government is named after him
Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie
Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away
for Gary Leeman
Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer
Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault
competition
Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods
Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown
Very rarely ties cans to a cats tail
Hardly ever referred to as infernal
Has never suffered from lockjaw
Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas
Excellent at compiling purposeless lists
Would give up his appendix for the right woman
Great with kids; even better with roast beef
Holds the record for the highest spot on the cafeteria wall he got
his cheese to stick to in grade six.
Has never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club
The part he played in the bombing of Hiroshima is largely exagerated
Has never gambled away a girlfriend in Las Vegas, as well as many
other places in the world
Has managed so far not to decapitate himself
Gets fewer and fewer ice-cream headaches
Wouldnt smoke nor drink while pregnant
Has always managed to avoid being a victim of a piledriver
Has never locked himself in a car
Has never played a mean trick on Smokey the Bear
Does not use cruel mouse traps
Has never let Frank Sinatra down
Contrary to popular belief, does not comb his hair with a fork
Has never attempted to dance naked in a Jerry Lewis Telethon
Very rarely has delusions of God
Never placed a bet with Pete Rose
Its been over a year since he last got his neck tangled in a
telephone cord
Can sing Frere Jacques much better than Jean-Luc Picard
Rarely eats paste between meals
Is not the ominous voice in Mortal Kombat which says FINISH HIM!
just before a fatality
Usually remembers to take the shell off of an egg before eating it
Tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week
Was nowhere near the grassy knoll November 3rd 1963
Often resists the powerful temptation to shave rude swear words in
his hair
And when he just cant resist, its usually shaved somewhere where
you cant see it
Has managed to overcome a long-lasting desire to clean toasters in
a bath-tub
At Speedy, hes a somebody
At a touch of a button, can have a pizza delivered to him personally
in under 30 minutes
Unlike Vincent Van Gogh, would not chop off his ear for a girl
Enjoys better table manners than John Belushi
Is (marginally) more popular with feminists than Rush Limbaugh
If it came right down to it, he could beat the pants off of Steven
Hawking in a fair fight
Would never forget to clean the microwave after having placed a
small rodent inside
The rumours of his involvement in the Chernobyl crisis are mostly
unfounded
No longer bears a grudge against Santa Claus for failing to deliver
an automatic rifle in Christmas of 80
It is increasingly rare that he makes obscene phone calls to Bea
Arthur
Come on, hes not that much of an eyesore!
Is not fooled when given poisoned candy on Halloween from his mother
Refuses to play lets hide grandmas teeth
Can be easily entertained for hours with simple, one-piece toys
The sources which publicized his involvement in the Iran-Contra
scandal were unreliable
As of yet, has never overlooked the importance of regular, continuous
breathing
There is a refreshing absense of monsters under his bed these days
Has never smuggled tinker toys onto an international flight
Nevers pees in someone elses sink
His picking a fight with an inanimate object is quite uncommon
Is heterosexual, unmarried and has a pulse
Give me 118 reasons why she shouldnt

CONTRARY TO WHAT ONE MIGHT THINK, NO, THIS IS NOT THE STUPIDEST
THING THAT ROB HAS EVER DONE. BUT ITS IN THE TOP 118.

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.



The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.



However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:



Thats Strange!

The Supervisor was berating a key punch operator over her lack of output. …And look at Tina, working right next to you, she has triple your keystrokes.

I know, I know! replied Sheryl, Ive been telling her to slow down for weeks now.

The new Marine recruit was awakened roughly by her platoon Sergeant after the rookies first night in the barracks.

Its four-thirty ! roared the Sergeant.

Four-thirty?!?!? gasped the recruit. Youd better go to bed. Weve got a big day tomorrow.

The newly rich Yuppette was going thru her culture routine and was standing in front on an oil painting of a ragged but happy vagabond. Go figure. she said aloud. Too broke to buy himself any decent clothes but he spends Lord knows how much to have his portrait painted.

Two Yuppettes were lamenting the death of a friend who had died the day before. I understand, observed one, that Dinah left very few effects.

Figures … replied the second, she had very few causes.

The college graduate was listing her experience during a job interview. I was also the recording secretary of the chess club.

I see. said the personnel officer. And as such, exactly what were your duties.

I read the hours of the last meeting.

I resent that remark. said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria table. Ill give you 5 seconds to take that back.

Oh yeah? snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and shoulders above the blonde. Suppose I dont take it back in five seconds?

Well … stammered the blonde, how much time do you need?

Brent Jones (bjones@denitqm.mnet.uswest.com) provided
a first set of ten. Heres some more…

Additional Technical Writers Euphemisms for Death

13. Lost in translation.
12. Widowed and orphaned.
11. Formatted with black borders.
10. Moved into upper management.
9. Went on-line.
8. Deleted from the BOM.
7. Permanently Out of Print.
6. Printed white-on-white.
5. Remaindered.
4. Mailed in his/her warranty card.
3. Collapsed his/her outline.
2. Was struck out by the Big Blue Pencil.

And, the Number One Technical Writing Euphemism for Death…

1. Inspired a new Warning message.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to Where do pets come from?Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you any more. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.And God said No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and it wagged its tail.And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal. And God said, No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.And the Lord said, No problem. I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.