Una ocasión pasaba Pepito por el cuarto de su hermana cuando de pronto vió que ella estaba desnuda frente al espejo y restregándose todo el cuerpo decÃa ¡Quiero un hombre! ¡Quiero un hombre!
Al otro dÃa pasa nuevamente Pepito por el cuarto de su hermana y la ve con un hombre. Inmediatamente corre a su cuarto y se empieza a desvestir frente al espejo y una vez desnudo empieza restregarse su cuerpo diciendo ¡Quiero una bici! ¡Quiero una bici!
Dos amigos se encuentran en su viaje anual de cacerÃa cuando, sin pensar, entran a la zona de leones. Mientras están preparando sus armas, un león se acerca y se les pone enfrente, mirándolos a los ojos. Uno de los camaradas dice, con voz muy baja:
Compadre, páseme con mucho cuidado mis tenis sin hacer ruido
Se cambia las botas por los tenis y se pone un pantaloncillo. El amigo, al verlo, exclama:
¡Oiga, compadre, no sea payaso! ¿A poco cree que le va a ganar a correr al león as�
Pues al león no sé, ¡pero a usted sÃ!
Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off."Whats so funny?" they asked him. "It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbors house blew up."
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
This is exciting, thought the gentleman. Ive always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps Ill be able to see him in person.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. Im really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, hell ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters u-n-t?
Only one word leapt to mind. My goodness, thought the gentleman, I cant tell the Pope that. There must be another word.
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, I think the word youre looking for is aunt.
Of course, said the Pope. Do you have an eraser?
A true Southerner knows what catywompus means.
A true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit
and a conniption and they dont HAVE them, they PITCH them.
Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general
direction of YONDER.
A true Southerner knows exactly how long directly is – as in:
Going to town, be back directly.
Even true Southern babies know that Gimme some sugar is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl on the middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when by and by is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
A true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of
solace for a neighbor whos got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken
and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbors trouble is a
real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!).
True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between right
near and a right far piece. They also know that Just down the road
can be 1 mile or 20.
A true Southerner both knows and understands the
difference between a redneck, a good ol boy and po white trash.
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A true Southerner knows that fixin can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.
A true Southerner knows that the term booger can be a
resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in that ol booger, or
something
that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
True Southerners make friends while standing in lines. And
when we are in line we talk to everybody!
Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover
theyre related, even if only by marriage.
True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits,
and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, Well, I caught myself lookin ., you
know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
Only true Southerners say sweet tea and sweet milk.
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it – we do not like
our tea unsweetened. Sweet milk means you dont want buttermilk.
Two blonde guys were sitting around talking. After a while, the first blonde looks at the second blonde and says, Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?
The second guy says, Wow, you have an airplane? Lets go!
So they go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they run low on fuel and need to land. The blonde pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land. He sees an airstrip close by. He says his to his new buddy along for the ride, Lets land here. It looks like its as good a place as any.
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up.
Damn! he says, That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?
Since its the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result. Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, All right, Im going to try ONE more time, and if I cant land it were just going to crash and hope we dont die.
So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt. When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swearing and gesticulates wildly at the runway.
Im gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one could land on anything that short!
The second guy looks around and says Yeah, but look how wide it is!
What do Tommy Lee and Saddam Hussein have in common?
Theyre both well hung!
(A JakesJokes.com original…)
Va un sujeto viajando en su auto por la carretera a 120 Km/h. Estaba por llegar a su destino, cuando uno de los camiones que venÃa detrás de él se apura para alcanzarlo; le sopla unos bocinazos y le hace señas para que pare. El hombre se detiene, y el camionero le informa que 50 Km atrás se le cayó la mujer del auto.
¡Gracias a Dios, pensé me habÃa quedado sordo!
Está un señor con su doctor, que es el mismo de su esposa, y le dice:
Creo que mi esposa se está quedando sorda.
Y el doctor le contesta:
Hágale una prueba hoy en su casa; si persiste, venga a verme.
Y asà lo hizo. A la hora de merendar, va y se para a tres metros de su esposa y le pregunta:
¿Qué hay de cenar?
Pero la mujer no responde. Después va y se para a dos metros y de nuevo le pregunta:
Mi amor, ¿qué hay de cenar?
Y otra vez, no hay respuesta. El hombre se para a un metro y, nuevamente, no pasa nada. Harto, se para atrás de ella y le dice gritando:
¿Qué es la cena, linda?
Y la mujer le responde:
¡Por cuarta vez, POLLO!.
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? Ive got a splitting headache.
Certainly, honey, he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, Say, said the druggist, I know you – arent you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?
Yeah, so? said the officer.
Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?