Old and New Jokes

When youre swimming in the creek and an
eel bites your cheek, thats a moray!

The grave of Karl Marx is just another communist plot.

Always write in complete sentences. Always.

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says I dont think Ill ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, 7 come 11 all night & I havent had a wink of sleep!

The second guy says I know what you mean…my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard, and I havent had a wink of sleep either!

The third guy says You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there… every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and an butt full of quarters!

Did you hear about the West Palm Beach mayor who broke his finger playing softball?

He got hit in the nose by a line drive.

Well, a stranger walks into a Nova Scotia bar and says to the bartender: Hey, you wanna hear a great Newfie joke?

The bartender snarls, stands up straight exposing his arms he uses for bouncing obstreperous customers and says, Wait a minute. Im a Newfie.

And see that fellow over there by the jukebox with the chains? He works down at the ways and drags the boats up by hand. Hes a Newfie.

And that guy in the leather jacket with him, he repairs boat engines and hes a Newfie too. Now, do you still want to tell a Newfie joke?

The visitor looks around at the other men and shakes his head, Naw, I dont want to have to explain it three times.

You Are Different and Thats Bad

Dads New Wife Timothy



Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave Games



Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets



The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad



Babar Meets the Taxidermist



Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence



The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables



Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Moms Purse



The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy



Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will



The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead



Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: OH NO! Thats awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

Doctor: You also have Alzheimers… In three months youll forget everything I told you.

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didnt want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.

Father, the young couple asked … is it ok to have sex before Mass ?

The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection … yes my children its ok to have sex before Mass .. but please dont block the aisles…