Old and New Jokes

Lets play Swallow the leader

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didnt feel it. He dug around again, but there didnt seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldnt finish the job, and without the pay he couldnt even buy food for that nights supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldnt do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. Whats more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words…until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me.

Received from Cathy Gilstrap.

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, Why are you throwing those nails away?

The first blonde explained, If I pull a nail out of my pouch and its pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away cause its defective. If its pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you arent defective! Theyre for the OTHER side of the house!!!

You might be a redneck if…
People hear your car long before they see it.

You might be a Redneck if you use the same tree your dog does.

Because he refused to leave until he couldnt eat any more and he never reached that point.

Lets say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when theyre driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, weve been seeing each other for exactly six months?



And then there is silence in the car.



To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe hes been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks Im trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesnt want, or isnt sure of.



And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.



And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, Im not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so Id have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?



And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was… lets see… February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealers, which means… lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.



And Elaine is thinking: Hes upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe Im reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet thats it. Thats why hes so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. Hes afraid of being rejected.



And Roger is thinking: And Im gonna have them look at the transmission again. I dont care what those morons say, its still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? Its 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.



And Elaine is thinking: Hes angry. And I dont blame him. Id be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I cant help the way I feel. Im just not sure.



And Roger is thinking: Theyll probably say its only a 90-day warranty……..scumbags.



And Elaine is thinking: Maybe Im just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when Im sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.



And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? Ill give them a warranty. Ill take their warranty and stick it right up their…



Roger, Elaine says aloud.



What? says Roger, startled.



Please dont torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have… Oh God, I feel so… (She breaks down, sobbing.)



What? says Roger.



Im such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know theres no knight. I really know that. Its silly. Theres no knight, and theres no horse.



Theres no horse? says Roger.



You think Im a fool, dont you? Elaine says.



No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.



Its just that… its that I… I need some time, Elaine says.



(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) Yes, he says.



(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way? she says.



What way? says Roger.



That way about time, says Elaine.



Oh, says Roger. Yes.



(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)



Thank you, Roger, she says.



Thank you, says Roger.



Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures its better if he doesnt think about it.



The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.



Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaines, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?



And thats the difference between men and women.

Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.

Lets organize an anarchy

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.

Where did you get the other shiner? the boss asked.

Well, the man said, I figured she didnt want it out, so I pushed it back in.