These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

171. Talk to your roommate but dont let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.

If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on
the headlights?

What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
Their middle name.

One day God came down from heaven and came to the Pope. God looked at the Pope
and said, Do not be afraid, this is just a little survey I take of all the
Popes. The first question I have of you is: do you think that priests will ever
be able to get married?

The Pope answered, Ah, no, not in my life time.

God said, Okay, the next question is: do you think there should be women
priests?

The Pope answered, Ah, no, not in my life time.

God said, Okay, my last question is: do you think the Roman Catholic church
should approve birth control?

The Pope answered, Ah, no, not in my life time.

God said, Okay, thank you very much for your time.

As God turned and started to leave, the Pope said, Lord, may I ask you one
question?

God turned back to the Pope and said, Sure, you answered mine, what would you
like to know?

The Pope said, As you know, I am very patriotic, and I was wondering whether
there would ever be another Polish pope?

God answered, Ah, no, not in my life time.

When telling this story the hands should be moved as if you are talking in
sign language.

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking
to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN)What would you like to do?

Mute #2 (SIGN)I dont know, what about you?

Mute #1 (SIGN)Lets get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and
have some fun.

Mute #2 (SIGN)Good idea.

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a
ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the
shoulder…..

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)What?

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)Have you got any protection?

Front Seat Mute (SIGN)No. Dont you?

Back Seat Mute (SIGN)No. We had better go to a drug store and get some.

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out
and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)What?

Outside Mute (SIGN)Ive got a problem.

Inside Mute (SIGN)What?

Outside Mute (SIGN)I cant make the druggist understand what I want.

Inside Mute (SIGN)I know what to do.

Outside Mute (SIGN)What?

Inside Mute (SIGN)Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put
your pecker on the counter. Hell know what you want.

Outside Mute (SIGN)Good idea.

The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later hes back at the car
window.

Inside Mute (SIGN)Well?

Outside Mute (SIGN)It didnt work.

Inside Mute (SIGN)What do you mean?

Outside Mute (SIGN) I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5
dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put
his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5
dollars.

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
Chicken Surprise…
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
Good grief, did you see that? she asks her husband.
He hadnt, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it
slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
Please sir, says the waiter, what you order ??
The husband replies, Chicken SurpriseAh…so sorry, says the waiter, I bring you Peeking Duck

Generally, the Real Programmer plays the same way he works — with computers. He is constantly amazed that his employer actually pays him to do what he would be doing for fun anyway (although he is careful not to express this opinion out loud). Occasionally, the Real Programmer does step out of the office for a breath of fresh air and a beer or two. Some tips on recognizing real programmers away from the computer room:

• At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it.
• At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
• At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand.
• A Real Programmer goes to discos to watch the light shows. At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary.
• In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time.

Thanx to William Conway.

There was a great loss today in theentertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What wasreally horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They put his left leg in….Well, you know the rest.

Whats the usual tip? a man growled when the college boy delivered his pizza.

Well, the student replied, this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, Id be doing great.

That so? grunted the man. In that case, heres five dollars.

Thanks, the student said, Ill put it in my college fund.

By the way, what are you studying?

Applied psychology.

A man went to a movie theater and was suprised to see that in the seat in front of him sat a man and his dog. The dog was clearly watching the movie with understanding, because he snarled at the villain whenever he spoke, yelped at the funny remarks, and so on. At the end of the movie, the man tapped the dog owners shoulder and says excuse me, but I cant get over your dogs behavior. The owner said I know, me too. After all He hated the book.