Old and New Jokes

Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.

Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for…their baby was born!

So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row…all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy…this little baby had to be theirs.

Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.

The nurse, hearing this, said He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, Where have you been?

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, Look, Michael, look what Ive made.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, What is it?

Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put LIFE on it. Im going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance.

Balance? inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there Ive placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people, God continued, pointing to different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass and asked, Whats that one?

Colorado, the most glorious place on Earth. Theres beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and exquisite grasslands. The people from Colorado are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and theyre going to be found traveling the world. Theyll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. They will be admired by all who come across them.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about balance, God? … You said there will be BALANCE!

God replied wisely, Wait until you see the loudmouth, whiney-assed, arrogant, piss-ants Im putting in Texas!

HOW DID IT HAPPEN? the doctor asked the middle-aged
farmhand as he set the mans broken leg.

Well, doc, 25 years ago …

Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this
morning.

Like I was saying…25 years ago, when I first started
working on the farm, that night, right after Id gone to bed, the
farmers beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if
there was anything I wanted.

I said, No, everything is fine.

Are you sure? she asked.

Im sure, I said.

Isnt there anything I can do for you? she wanted to
know. I reckon not, I replied.

Excuse me, said the doctor, What does this story have to
do with your leg?

Well, this morning, the farmhand explained, when it dawned
on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!

Source: Steven Stuart-Doig,
Director, AISS Information Center, University of Illinois At Chicago

Bill, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton are on Air Force One.

Bill says to Hillary, I could make a lot of people very happy if I threw 1 million $1 bills out of this plane.

Hillary says, Oh yeah, well I could make even more people happy if I threw 1 million $5 bills out of this plane.

Chelsea says, I could make the whole world happy if I threw you both out of this plane!

Algunos de los mejores (o peores) momentos de la vida son:

Enamorarse… y descubrir que el implicado(a) es homosexual.

Reírse hasta que te duela la panza… y que se te salga una ruidosa flatulencia en medio de todos tus amigos.

Encontrar miles de correos electrónicos cuando vuelves de las vacaciones… pero todos son cadenas aburridas y bobas (como ésta) o publicidad o peor aún, virus del Sircam.

Manejar por algún lugar lindo… y chocar por andar baboseando.

Escuchar tu canción favorita en la radio… porque tu CD player se descompuso.

Acostarte en tu cama y escuchar como llueve afuera… para después sentir las goteras del techo.

Salir de la ducha y encontrar que la toalla está calientita… pero porque tu perro se durmió sobre ella.

Aprobar tu último examen… pero teniéndole que dar un buen billete al maestro.

Recibir una llamada de alguien que hace mucho no ves… para pedirte dinero prestado.

Una buena conversación… con un agente del tránsito que te agarró en la movida.

Reírse de uno mismo… cuando te miras al espejo.

Escuchar accidentalmente que alguien dice que estás guapo(a)… pero quien lo dice es tu mamá.

Escuchar la canción que te hacer recordar a esa persona especial… cuando te acaba de cortar.

Ser parte de un equipo… de asalta microbuses.

El primer beso en los labios… a alguien de tu mismo sexo.

Hacer nuevos amigos… pero entre los amigos de lo ajeno.

Sentir cosquillitas en la panza cada vez que ves a esa persona… cuando otro(a) se la está agasajando sabroso.

Ver felices a las personas que quieres… pero felices porque te vas a mudar a Siberia.

Volver a ver a un viejo amigo y sentir que las cosas no cambiaron… porque los dos siguen igual de pobres.

Mirar un atardecer… sí, el atardecer de tu existencia.

Tener a una pareja que te diga que te quiere… que te quiere mandar al diablo.

Reírse sin motivos… a causa de la esquizofrenia que te está dando.

Este correo-e es para comprobar qué tan supersticioso eres. Si se lo reenvías a más de veinte personas en menos de cinco minutos, te garantizamos que te sacarás la lotería (¡aunque no hayas comprado ningún boleto!). Si no lo haces, alguno de tus hijos se volverá gay. El origen de este correo-e está en indochina, en el siglo XVII y da suerte a quien lo obedece y hace desgraciado a quien lo borra (que no te engañen, en Indochina ya tienen correo electrónico desde ese entonces). ¡En serio, es infalible, le pasó a mi compadre que se encontró un billete de lotería en el piso… y era el premio gordo!

Marine Corps Sniper. You can run but youll just die tired.

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.

Patron: No, its still there.

Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. Im running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.

Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . ……….. . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ……….$1.00

What do you see when the Pilsbury Doughboy bends over?







Doughnuts!

So you think you could end all unemployment, do you? asked the interviewer. And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?

Why, Id put all the men on one island and all the women on another. replied Paddy.

And what would they be doing then? Building boats!

The programmer to his son: Here, I brought you a new basketball.

Thank you, Pa, but where is the users guide and manuals?