Husband: Lets go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
11
Dec
11
Dec
[ True story ]
A friend of mine and his boss went boating a few weeks ago, and they
decided to go look at some of the well-known landmarks in the
Chesapeake.
Well, they were getting near one of them and the boat ran aground.
Unable to back it out, they finally had to get out and push. While
they were doing this, an employee at the site came out and watched,
and the hapless boaters explained that theyd been looking at the
landmark when they got stuck. This exchange followed:
Employee: Sir, do you know what this is?
Boater: A lighthouse.
Employee: Why do you think its here?
11
Dec
Fun things to do in space or during an abduction or alien encounter:
By Paul Maddox
Pee everywhere. That stuff is messy in zero gravity.
Push heaps of buttons on the control panel of the mothership.
Find biosamples from other planets and let them roam free.
Cough a lot. (haha the aliens probably dont have the right antibodies to stop the virus from killing them – hahaha)
Pretend to be dead, then when they get close, scream in their face.
Call them names. (eg. Fathead, Bug-eyes etc.)
Play in the airlock.
If theyre studying you, make cow noises.
Go space-debris-shooting with the Ion Cannon.
Step on their feet.
11
Dec
The word of the day is LEGS, lets go back to my place and spread the word.
Lets name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?
Id like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Was your daddy a baker? Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.
Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!
10
Dec
Un hombre iba caminando por una calle y ve un hombre sentado en el suelo, con un cartel que decÃa soy ciego. A su lado el ciego tenia un tachito; entonces este hombre le tira una moneda, que pega en el borde y se cae. El ciego agarra la moneda y la pone en el tacho. El hombre se da cuenta de que este hombre no es ciego y le empieza a decir:
-Usted es un ladrón, no es ciego, ladrón.
-Yo no soy un ladrón, el ciego esta enfermo y lo estoy reemplazando.
-¿Y usted quien es?
-Yo soy el mudo de la otra cuadra.
10
Dec
Two blokes are in a bar on top of the Empire State Building. One says to the other You know, if you jump off of this building you get sucked in at the 10th floor. The other one laughs and says No way, man. Prove it
The first guy agrees and they both go to the edge. He jumps off and whoof! He gets sucked in at the 10th floor. When he gets back to the top the second guy, standing in shock, says I dont believe it! Let me try.
So the second guy jumps off and splat! He falls to his death. The first guy goes back into the bar. When he gets back there, the bartender tuts and says You know Superman, you can be a real bastard when your drunk!
10
Dec
Nothing can be done in one trip.
10
Dec
Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice.
10
Dec
Two blondes were planning to rob a bank.
The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.
They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank.
The first blonde says to the second blonde, Are you SURE you understand the plan?
Yes! replied the second blonde.
So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.
Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned.
The first blonde gets very nervous.
Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.
No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!
10
Dec
Two old acquaintances from WWI bump into each other one day and head for bar to catch up on old times. The conversation moves from family to retirement to golf, and settles on sex. So, hows your sex life been, Roy? asks Tom. Roy replies, OK, I guess, though I havent gotten any since 1955. Man! Thats a long time! How can you stand that? Oh, its not that bad. Roy looks at his watch. Its only 20:30 now.