Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary as part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven.

For English, press 1.

For Spanish, press 2.

For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests.

Press 2 for Thanksgiving.

Press 3 for Complaints.

Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry; all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1.

Jesus, press 2.

Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666).

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noahs Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.

The slave driver of the Roman trireme leered down at his galley slaves and bellowed, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that youll be getting double rations tonight! The murmuring of the surprised slaves as they struggled with their oars was interrupted by the slave driver. The bad news is that this afternoon the commanders son wants to water-ski.

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.

The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.



The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.



At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, I cant take this anymore! I cant just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?



She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he aproaches her, he takes off his shirt.

She can see the mans muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?



Eagerly, she shakes her head, Yes!



As the man hands her his shirt, he says, Here. Iron this.

SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT

An Idea + An Idiot = A Dotcom

One Chinese gymnast = Indias Gold Medal tally since 1896

4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand = 4 minute song in Bollywood

Rona Dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mums favourite serials

Star Movies – Rerun + Good Movies = HBO

Amitabh Bachchan – Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR

Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan – Talent

Atal Bihari + Bad knee = Is this our LAST HOPE?

Some quick thinking to get out of the caught napping jam!…

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!

I wasn’t sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, Can I smell your Pussy?

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, Of course not!

The drunk man replies…….

Oh, then it must be your feet.

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. Of course you are! she said. And also the best too. I dont know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.

Bert had been married for years, and was starting to have some problems getting it up. One of his friends told him that he should surprise his wife one of these nights, and things would change. His friend told him to sneak in, really late one night, and crawl quietly into bed beside his wife without waking her up. Then he is to slowly reach down into her panties and play around a bit, then wipe it on his face. That would turn him on, and once he woke her up, she couldnt resist this hardon. So he waits a few days, sneaks in, and crawls into bed beside his wife. He sticks his hand down her panties, and plays around a bit, then wipes it all over his face. Sure enough, he was getting horny, so he repeated this a few times. Shortly he had a hard on a squirrel couldnt climb. He was very happy, and turned on the light, and woke up his wife……

Honey, do you notice anything different about me???

She took one look at him, and said Yeah, have you been fighting again??? There is fresh blood all over your face.

Un hombre de negocios hace transbordo de avión y tiene la suerte de sentarse al lado de una mujer extremadamente atractiva. Se saludan y el tipo se da cuenta de que ella está leyendo un libro sobre estadísticas sexuales. Para iniciar la plática, él le pregunta sobre el libro y la chica le responde:

Es un libro muy interesante sobre estadísticas sexuales. Por ejemplo, aquí dice que los nativos americanos son los que tienen el pene más largo, y que son los polacos los que lo tienen de mayor diámetro. Por cierto, me llamo Diana, ¿cómo se llama usted?

Nube Blanca Kawalski, encantado de conocerla, le responde de inmediato el individuo.

Está Jaimito en clase y su profesora se da cuenta que tiene un ojo morado. Preocupada por si acaso está siendo objeto de malos tratos decide hablar con él.

Jaimito, ¿qué te ha pasado en el ojo?

Pero Jaimito evita contestar. La profesora insiste pero Jaimito no contesta. Después de mucho insistir, Jaimito decide contárselo a la profesora.

Verá, señorita, pasaba yo por delante del cuarto de mis padres y oí a mi madre decir: ¡Pepe, que me voy, que me voy, que me voy! Y mi padre respondió: ¡María, yo también me voy, yo tambien me voy! Y nada, yo entré a despedirme.