Old and New Jokes

This was part of a set of stories over in another group. This one
was rather funny… (it came from Tension City)

A friend told me the following about a conversation with her four-year old:

A TV show for children, involving dinosaurs, had a bit where the dinos were
wondering whether or not an egg would hatch, and did the dinosaur parents
want a baby or not?

Tyke: Sometimes you get babies when you dont want them.

Mom: Yes, thats true. But we really wanted you.

Tyke: [Silence for a moment.] Did Daddy have to cut you open to put his
seed in you?

(The topic having already been discussed in the past.)

Mom: [Dreading the sudden direction the conversation had taken.] No…

Tyke: Then how did he get the seed in?

Mom: Uh, he just did.

Tyke: But *how*?

Mom: Do you really want to know?

Tyke: YES!!!

Mom: [Resigned to it, now] Well, Daddy put his penis in my vagina.

Tyke: [Very wide eyes] He DID???

Mom: Yes…

Tyke: But how did he get his big huge penis into your vagina?!

Mom: [to Dad] Um, would you help me out a little bit here, dear?

Dad: [pauses, looks intently at Tyke] Honey–these are *excellent*
questions youre asking!

Tyke: How did he get it in?

Mom: Well, it just fit.

Tyke: [Digests this for a moment] So, did it feel good?

Mom: [Too amused for embarrassment by now] Yes, dear, actually it did.

Tyke: Oh.

End of discussion. Tykes interrogative style was likened to that of an
especially tenacious attorney conducting cross-examination.

The next morning Tyke was overheard intently propounding her new knowledge to
her two-year old sister.

Kids have this way of getting right to the heart of the matter, huh?

By Ogden Nash

In Baltimore there lived a boy,

He wasnt anybodys joy.

Although his name was Jabez Dawes,

His character was full of flaws.

In school he never led his classes,

He hid old ladies reading glasses,

His mouth was open when he chewed,

And elbows to the table glued.

He stole the milk of hungry kittens,

And walked through doors marked No Admittance.

He said he acted thus because

There wasnt any Santa Claus.

Another trick that tickled Jabez

Was crying Boo! at little babies.

He brushed his teeth, they said in town,

Sideways instead of up and down.

Yet people pardoned every sin,

And viewed his antics with a grin,

Till they were told by Jabez Dawes,

There isnt any Santa Claus!

Deploring how he did behave,

His parents swiftly sought their grave.

They hurried through the portals pearly,

And Jabez left the funeral early.

Like whooping cough, from child to child,

He sped to spread the rumor wild:

Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes

There isnt any Santa Claus!

Slunk like a weasel or a marten

Through nursery and kindergarten,

Whispering low to every tot,

There isnt any, no theres not!

The children wept all Christmas Eve

And Jabez chortled up his sleeve.

No infant dared to hang up his stocking

For fear of Jabez ribald mocking.

He sprawled on his untidy bed,

Fresh malice dancing in his head,

When presently with scalp a-tingling,

Jabez heard a distant jingling;

He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof

Crisply alighting on the roof.

What good to rise and bar the door?

A shower of soot was on the floor.

What was beheld by Jabez Dawes?

The fireplace full of Santa Claus!

Then Jabez fell upon his knees

With cries of Dont, and Pretty please.

He howled, I dont know where you read it,

But anyhow, I never said it!

Jabez, replied the angry saint,

It isnt I, its you that aint.

Although there is a Santa Claus,

There isnt any Jabez Dawes!

Said Jabez with impudent vim,

Oh, yes there is; and I am him!

Your magic dont scare me, it doesnt

And suddenly he found he wasnt!

From grimy feet to grimy locks,

Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box,

An ugly toy with springs unsprung,

Forever sticking out his tongue.

The neighbors heard his mournful squeal;

They searched for him, but not with zeal.

No trace was found of Jabez Dawes,

Which led to thunderous applause,

And people drank a loving cup

And went and hung their stockings up.

All you who sneer at Santa Claus,

Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,

The saucy boy who mocked the saint.

Donder and Blitzen licked off his paint.

A while ago, one of the songs sung by the choir in my church was named And the
Father Will Dance. When it was announced, And now the choir will sing And the
Father Will Dance, we were all extremely disappointed that he didnt get up to
dance, as was announced.

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to

appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

WHAT FOR?!?!? he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: Twenty dollars contempt of court! Thats why!

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

Thats all right. You dont have to pay now.

The guy replied…

I know – Im just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!

EU Directive 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase Spending a Penny is not to be used after 31st December 2001.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: Euronating .

Thank you for your attention.

San Pedro llama a un ángel y le dice:

Esta mañana tengo que ir a hacer un par de trámites a una nube, así que te dejo cuidando las puertas del Cielo.

El ángel, aterrado, le dice que no tiene idea de a quién tiene que dejar pasar o no, pero San Pedro lo tranquiliza:

Mira, por hoy vamos a simplificar. Aquí tienes una Biblia y un fajo de billetes de cien dólares. Dale a elegir a los que lleguen: si cogen la Biblia les dejas pasar, y si cogen un billete los mandas al Infierno. Y aquí tienes mi número de móvil por si hay algún problema.

San Pedro se va, y pasa la mañana en sus cosas, hasta que suena el teléfono. Es el ángel:

Mire, San Pedro, hasta ahora todo iba bien, pero acaba de llegar un tío que cuando le di a elegir me dijo: ¿Puedo ver un poco? Se puso a hojear la Biblia, y cada tanto decía ¡Hum, qué interesante!, y cogía un billete de cien y marcaba la página; y así hasta quedarse con la Biblia y todos los billetes. ¿Qué tengo que hacer?

Déjalo pasar, hijo, que ése es del Opus…

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.



Man: So what happened thats so horrible?



Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.



Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.



Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.



Man: So what happened then?



Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.



Man: and then?



Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.



Man: Again?



Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.



Man: So, what did you do then?



Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.



Man: and then?



Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.



Man: Hmmm…



Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.



Man: So, what did you do?



Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…..

A married couple were golfing in thier front yard. The guy hits two balls and one of them lands in the window across the street. The girl did not notice. She went up to the T and she hit the same window in the same house. The girl felt guilty and said to the husband to get say sorry. They went to the house and knocked on the door, but no one answered, the door just flew open. They made their way up stairs to where their balls had it. When they opened the door a genie-like man was standing there. He said When your golf ball hit you hit my lamp and set me free. for this I give you 3 wishes The man said I want a mansion the genie replied Your mansion is built in your old house The girl sais I want to be richest person alive The gnie replied all of the money you want is in your mansion For the third wish they wished to be famous. The genie replied you are now famous. The couple was all happy now. They were walking out the genie asked them if he can have something in return for giving them all the nice stuff. The Man said like what. can I sleep with you life for one night. The man said yes with no regrets. The guy sat outside for an hour waiting for his wife. When they were finished the Genie said And you still believe in Genies?

All I ask of Life is a constant and
exaggerated sense of my own importance.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

NB: this reads best out loud.

Two old Jewish gentlemen were having lunch in a Chinese restaurant, and the conversation turned to the status of Jewish communities around the world.

They discussed the plight of Soviet Jewry, and how the break-up of the USSR was making emigration to Israel easier for those Jews. They chatted about Ethiopian Jews, and whether they were really Jewish, considering the differences in their religious practices from that of the Orthodox sect.

They even discussed the problem of intermarriage in American Jews.

Eventually, since they were in a Chinese establishment, the conversation turned to the status of Jews in Asia. One of the gentlemen was certain that there had been a thriving community of Jews in Beijing – and probably still was; but, the other was equally certain that Jews had intermarried in China to the point where they had completely assimilated. Their discussion became quite heated.

Hearing the raised voices, their waiter hurried over. Food OK? he asked.

The meal is fine, replied one of the Jews, but we were arguing about Chinese Jews. Do you have any?

The waiter thought for a moment. Dont know, he admitted. Ask cook. And he vanished into the kitchen.

After a few minutes, he reappeared, frowning. So sorry, he began. Cook say no Chinese Jews.

Before either Jew could say anything, the waiter smiled and continued: Cook say we have apple juice and tomato juice.