(I hope youve all been following the latest European agricultural problems.)

So there were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty
scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on
the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks.

[The following, possibly apocryphal story appeared in this mornings
(28/03/91) Glasgow Herald.]

Lord George Brown, when the band struck up at an embassy function,
asked: Beautiful lady in scarlet, will you waltz with me?

Certainly not, was the reply. First, you are drunk. Second, it
is not a waltz, but the Venezualan national anthem; and third, I am
not a beautiful lady in scarlet, but the papal nuncio.

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasnt.

He said God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female.

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincolns secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedys secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

And heres the kicker,

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

What do you call a blond with two brain cells? Pregnant!

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, Im not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, Id feed him.

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, Well, Im not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldnt feed him all the hay.

Un físico, un químico y un informático van en coche por la carretera. De repente, el auto comienza a hacer un ruido extraño. Detienen el coche, y dejando el motor en marcha, empiezan a elaborar hipótesis sobre lo que está sucediendo. El físico dice:

Evidentemente, es un problema de rozamiento entre los pistones lo que provoca el ruido. Este coche necesita cuanto antes un ajuste de motor.

El químico replica:

No estoy tan seguro. Creo que el ruido se debe a que la gasolina está mal mezclada. Deberíamos agregar un aditivo especial al tanque de combustible.

El informático opina:

Yo diría que mejor lo apagamos, lo encendemos, lo apagamos, lo encendemos, lo apagamos, lo encendemos…

La hiena es un animal que vive en el norte de África; come carroña y se aparea una vez al año, expone la maestra a sus alumnos.

A ver, Jaimito, ¿qué entendiste?

La hiena es un animal que vive en África; come carne podrida, y se aparea una vez al año.

¡Muy bien, Jaimito! Tú, Pablito.

La hiena es un animal que vive lejos, en África, creo; come carne podrida y ve a su pareja una vez al año.

Mmm… Bueno, has aprendido algo. ¿Y tú, Pepito?

Yo sólo tengo una pregunta maestra: la hiena, con lo lejos que vive, la porquería que come y lo poco que ve a su pareja, ¿de qué carajos se ríe?

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.



Youve got to have a room somewhere, he pleaded. Or just a bed, I dont care where.



Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.



No problem, the tired Marine assured him. Ill take it.



The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Howd you sleep? Asked the manager.



Never better.



The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?



Nope, I shut him up in no time. Said the Marine.



Howd you manage that? asked the manager.



He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, the Marine explained. I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

Things You Hate About Working At Mickey Ds:

People who say uh or um 50 billion times.

People who add shit at the second window.

People who have to add an A in between the M and C for anything that starts with Mc, Such as McChicken or McNuggets.

People who upsize there meals after theyve ordered 50 billion meals.

People who want no salt on their fries, just get over it!

People who ask you if youre lovin it.

People who pay entirely in change.

People who walk all over your wet floor. Theres a sign, so go around.

People who cant turn off their windshield wipers when they pull up in the drive thru.

People who bring in food from another place, and leave the trash on the table.

People who are too damn big to get in the playland who actually get in the playland.

Fat people who get enough food for 10 skinny people.

People who cant find a certain item on the menu board, look around people. Thats what its there for!

People who order something, and know absolutely nothing about it.

People who ask for combos. It isnt god damn bojangles, we have value meals!

People who have nothing better to do than hang out at McDonalds.

More to come…