For the twelve days of Christmas my Tutu (Grandmother) gave to me:
12 missionaries
11 televisions
10 cans of soda
9 Pounds of poi
8 ukuleles
7 shrimps a swimming
6 hula lessons
5 Luau pigs!
4 Flower Leis
3 Dried squid
2 coconuts
and a Myna bird in a papaya tree
Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*. If you dont believe it, consider these weird incidents: *A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luises car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him. *Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him. *Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull. *George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him. *Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife. *A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death. *Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.
You might be a redneck if…
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
1. When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road,
dont signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others
from passing.
2. Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible.
Diagonal parking is preferred.
3. In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the
opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half
way and stop on the line, taking both.
4. As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of
you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it,
pull through and take it from him.
5. Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other
driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
6. When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your
door really hard.
7. When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes
and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of
speed.
8. When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/
relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in
the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up
and discharging passengers.
9. When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and
waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are
in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, Ah, youre an engineer — youre in the wrong place.
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After awhile, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, hows it going down there in hell?
Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.
Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him.
God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?
Va una monja en un taxi, varios minutos después de que se sube, el taxista le dice: sor, si usted supiera. Todos hemos tenido fantasÃas sexuales, y la mÃa es hacer el amor con una monja.
Eso no es ningún problema hijo, únicamente debes cumplir tres mandamientos: ser católico, soltero y nunca haber tenido relaciones sexuales.
Hermana, yo cumplo con esos requisitos.
El taxista se para en un terreno solitario, se pasa al asiento trasero y resuelve a la monja. Pasa al asiento delantero y va muy callado nuevamente.
Luego comienza a llorar y dice: sor, yo le mentÃ: no soy católico, ni soltero. Soy casado y soy judÃo, además tengo relaciones sexuales diariamente. He pecado, violé su virginidad.
Por favor no llores, despreocúpate hijo, que mi nombre es Pedro y voy para una fiesta de disfraces.
There is a blond a brunette and a redhead and they get shipwrecked and are all stranded on a desert island. the brunetee is trying to think of a way to get back to land while the redhead gets food and the blond digs in the sand. Suddenly the blond cries out come look, come look so the brunette and the redhead come over to see what the blond has found, it turns out to be a magic lamp so they rub the lamp and a genie comes out and says i will grant you 3 wishes so the redhead says I wish i was back with my family POOF she is back with her family. the brunette says the same, POOF she is back with her family and the blond says sure is lonely without those guys i wish they were back here POOF, POOF, thy are all stranded on a desert island.
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.
Suit yourself, the farmer replied, you can go join the other chickens that are around the back.