Old and New Jokes

A blonde and a brunette were opening their paychecks when the blonde asked the brunette what she was going to buy. The brunette replied, "I think Ill buy a new set of plates because mine are chipped. What are you going to buy?" The blonde said, "I think Im gonna buy a new butt, because my old one has an enormous crack in it."

En una ocasión, se reunieron unos veteranos de guerra para platicar sobre las experiencias que les habian ocurrido durante la guerra. Uno de ellos comenta:

No me van a creer, pero en una ocasión, iba corriendo por el campo enemigo y ¿qué creen?, caí dentro de una letrina.

Sus amigos le contestan:

NO PUEDE SER POSIBLE, y bueno, dinos hasta donde te impregnaste de mierda.

Pues hasta los tobillos.

Y sus amigos le comentan:

Aaaaa bueno, por lo menos no estaba tan llena.

¡Lo malo es que caí de cabeza!

Really Stupid People

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the films depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

Masons First Law of Synergism: The one day youd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

CHORUS

Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma

just as he arrived on Christmas Day

She had gotten sick and tired of hearin

that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Shed been listening to the radio

and she nearly lost her breath

yellin cuss words at the DJ

for playin that song where she gets hooved to death.

So she set out on the warpath

there was evil in her eye

she said Im gonna find that reindeer

and by golly, one of us is gonna die!

CHORUS

Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma

just as he arrived on Christmas Day

She had gotten sick and tired of hearin

that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Santa Claus had made a landing

on the new expressway

Grandma was doin 120

with her headlights pointed straight at Santas sleigh.

Twas an awful sound of impact

Grandma really nailed him good

There were hoofprints on her windshield

and a pair of ripped-off antlers on her hood

CHORUS

Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma

just as he arrived on Christmas Day

She had gotten sick and tired of hearin

that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

Guess well all be missing Rudolph

in the winter when it snows

but now hes up in reindeer heaven

with a Buick logo stamped into his nose.

But theres no regret from Grandma

as she drove away, she sneered,

and then she hollered out the window

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a FLAT DEER!

CHORUS

Rudolph Got Run Over by my Grandma

just as he arrived on Christmas Day

She had gotten sick and tired of hearin

that song where she gets trampled by a sleigh.

The biggest fear of any computer user is that you just blew several grand on a clunker thats not even fit for a boat anchor.

Try these dead giveaways on for size:

The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.
The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.
The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward.
You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners.
The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only AM.
The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.
It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple of rounds of toast.
Its labeled energy saving only because theres no power supply.
You just got another one with your Happy Meal.
The sticker reads nothing of value inside.

A man frantically calls 911 and says, help…my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart.

911: is this her first child?.

Man: Of course not, you idiot…this is her husband!

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

A Doberman in a childrens playground!

Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front.

Neville thought to himself, I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired. So he went up to the door and knocked on it.

To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sight of relief and said to the other bloke, Wheres ya bin?

The man replied, I bon on olidays,

Neville then said, Na, mate, wheres ya BIN?

I bin on olidays I tell ya, was the reply.

Neville, slightly frustrated, says, Na, ya fucken idiot – wheres ya Wheelie Bin?

The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. Well, he said. I weally bin in jail – but Im tellin everyone I bin on olidays, eh!