Old and New Jokes

Q: Where do you go when your hand falls off?

A: To the second-hand store!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!

There were three strings that walked into the bar. They sat down and they didnt get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers. The bartender said, Im sorry buddy we dont serve strings in here. The string walks back to the table and and tells his friends what the bartender said. Ive been here before and gotten a drink, Ill go get us something to drink, said the second string. The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender says, I thought I told your buddy we dont serve strings in here. So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened. The thrid string says Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end. He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers. The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, You a string? Frayed knot, he replies.

First Rule of History: History doesnt repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.

It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services
when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the
janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions
for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is
coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything
worthy of serious repentance, so when shes done just give her 10 Hail
Marys and Ill be right back.

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow
McGee came into the booth and started her confession, Oh Father, I
have truly sinned, I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral
sex.

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely
10 Hail Marys would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the
janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar
boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?

The altar boy said, a Snickers bar and a Coke.

Why old man cant walk?

because he got a walk sick.

A wealthy man goes to his office one morning. When he gets there he realizes
that he has left his wallet at home and there is something important in it
that he needs. He gets on the phone, calls home where the butler answers.

James, I left my wallet in my pants, and I need you to get it for me. There
is an important paper that you can read to me over the phone.

The butler goes upstairs to the bedroom to get the wallet. A few minutes
later he comes back to the phone to tell the man, I am sorry, your wife is
in the bedroom and she does not let me in to get the wallet!

The man tells James, I do not care about that! Tell her you need to get in!
Just get the wallet for me, now!

James goes upstairs again, and returns a minute later, Sir, I could not
find your wallet, but I did discover a man hiding in the room with your
wife!

What? I do not believe this! OK. Listen to me! This is what I want you to
do. Go upstairs and shoot the man and my wife along with him before he gets
away! Hurry, now!

James runs off again. A few minutes later, the man hears shotgun blasts in
the background. James returns to the phone and tells him, OK, I did it.
They are both dead. Now what?

The man replies, Now I want you to take the bodies and dump them in the
swimming pool. I am on my way. I will be there shortly!

What? says James, you do not have a swimming pool!

I am sorry, says the man, wrong number.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other
passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, Shut up,
dammit, all of you shut up!
Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, Got
enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting
off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then
act embarrassed when they open up by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper, Noogie patrol coming!
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you Admiral.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until
you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, Ive
got new socks on!
When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back, Oh, not now,
damn, motion sickness!
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter, Gotta go, gotta go, then sigh and say, oops!
Show other passenger a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Holler chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of them!
and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp and then say mmmm… tasty!
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask Is that your beeper?
Say Ding! at each floor.
Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your personal space.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, Wanna see wha in muh
mouf?
Announce in a demonic voice, I must find a more suitable host body.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear X-ray specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.