Old and New Jokes

Theyre always Rushin

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesnt believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.

2. When he says No, ask, Why not?

3. Wait until he says something to the effect of Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence.

4. When hes in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.

6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit additional violence.

7. Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

8. Repeat steps 5 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didnt grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, Im glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows


that Hebrews dont read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, Boy, business sucks. If I dont sell more cars this month, Im going to lose my fucking ass.

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

Thats okay, the blonde replied, If I dont sell more ass this month, Im going to lose my fucking car.

How can you tell if a Japanese person has been in your house?

Your math homework is done, your computer runs faster, and some rice is cooking on the stove.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Clare!
Clare who?
Clare your throat before you speak!

By Bill Adler

A Teenager is…

A person who cant remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number..

A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast..

A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but cant make a bed.

A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her drivers license.

A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesnt have to study.

An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a Michael Jackson concert.

A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says not yet. A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says not yet.

Finally they say, When can we see the baby!?

And the mother says, Youll have to wait until the baby cries. And they ask, Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?

The new mother says, because I forgot where I put it!

Kick his sister in the chin.