You might be a redneck if…
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as – Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS).

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinates office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: Im a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before. I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, here, stick this in MYASS. It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, Here it is. I just pulled in out of MYASS.

Knock Knock Whos there?

Biggish

Biggish who?

No Thank you!

What if people bought cars like they buy computers? General Motors
doesnt have a help line for people who dont know how to drive,
because people dont buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if
they did…

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and
nothing happened!

Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition and
turn it?

Customer: Whats an ignition?

Helpline: Its a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come
I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it wont go anywhere!

Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

Helpline: Theres a little gauge on the front panel,
with a needle, and markings from E to F. Where is the needle
pointing?

Customer: I see an E but no F.

Helpline: You see the E and just to the right is
the F.

Customer: No, just to the right of the first E is
a V.

Helpline: A V?!?

Customer: Yeah, theres a C, an H, the first
E, then a V, followed by R, O, L …

Helpline: No, no, no sir! Thats the front of the
car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, thats the panel Im talking
about.

Customer: That steering wheel thingy– Is that the
round thing that honks the horn?

Helpline: Yes, among other things.

Customer: The needles pointing to E. What does
that mean?

Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline
vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
pay the vendor to install it for you.

Customer: What? I paid $18,000 for this car! Now you
tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars stink!

Helpline: Whats wrong?

Customer: It crashed, thats what went wrong!

Helpline: What were you doing?

Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the
accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and
then It crashed – and now it wont even start up!

Helpline: Im sorry, sir, but its your
responsibility if you misuse the product.

Customer: Misuse it? I was just following this
manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in
D and press the accelerator pedal. Thats exactly what I did– now the
things crashed.

Helpline: Did you read the entire operators manual
before operating the car sir?

Customer: What? Of course I did! I told you I did
EVERYTHING the manual said and it didnt work!

Helpline: Didnt you attempt to slow down so you wouldnt crash?

Customer: How do you do THAT?

Helpline: You said you read the entire manual, sir.
Its on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.

Customer: Well, I dont have all day to sit around
and read this manual you know.

Helpline: Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest
versions that goes Fast and wont crash anymore!

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help
you?

Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I
chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.

Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help
you?

Customer: How do I work it?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

Helpline: Do you know how to DRIVE?

Customer: Im not a technical person! I just want to
go places in my car!

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A sweater with big pockets.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

Un par de amigas caminaban solas a altas horas de la noche por un barrio temible, cuando, de pronto, sienten a lo lejos unos pasos apresurados detrás de ellas. Las dos amigas, asustadas, deciden acelerar el paso y no se detienen para nada… hasta que llegan a un callejón sin salida.

En eso, entre las sombras, ven al tipo que las persigue acercarse con baba en la boca. Una de ellas le grita alocadamente ante la inminencia de un ataque brutal:

¡¿Qué chucha quieres??!

El violador contesta:

¡Ah! ¿Puedo escoger?

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, Hey Senor, I would like the worlds best beer, a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.



The guy from Budweiser says, Id like the best beer in the world, give me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser. The bartender gives him one.



The guy from Coors says, Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors. He gets it.



The guy from Guinness sits down and says, Give me a Coke. The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.



The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why arent you drinking a Guinness? and the Guinness president replies, Well, I figured if you guys arent drinking beer, neither would I.

A man walks into bar, sits on a nearby stool and ganders at a large jug of money. Upon pondering, he asks the bartender, How much money is in there?

The bartender, with a gentle smile replied, 26,000,000..

The man jumped up with his eyes about ready to emerge from their sockets. He asked, So is it for the poor? Or is it lika a charity?

The bartender shook his head.No no no! That money is for the first person to complete three tasks.

A little curious, the man said, Is that so? Well, Im sure I could get them done, so what are they?

Grinning slightly, the bartender replied, First task: You must chug down a 5 gallon bucket of beer. Second task: You must pull a rotten tooth from a wolf with rabies. Then for your final task, you must have sex with a 100 year old grandmother located upstairs.

The man gulped a little, but replied, Well, that still sounds like a deal!

The man chugged down the 5 gallon bucket of beer. Woozy, he told the bartender to take him out to the wolf with rabies. Leave me here! This could get rough, the man said in a fluury of slurred words, as the bartender let him go and walked back in to tend to the custumers.

Minutes later he heard the wolf yelping and crying out. Man, he must really have a thing with animals. Hes probably pulled that tooth right out.

The bartender looked up in wonder as the man stumbled through the door and yelled in a drunken voice, Now wheres that old lady with the rotten tooth?