22
Jul

Alaskan Drunk Goes Fishing

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE!"
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on. The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The drunk looks up and says, "God? Is this God trying to warn me?"
The voice says "NO, IM THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

22
Jul

Lawyer At The Gates

A young lawyer was driving down the road in his new BMW. He had just been made a partner in the firm, and was feeling great about life. Then, all of a sudden he was standing at the pearly gates. What happened? he asked. You died, replied St. Peter. How did I die, did I get in a wreck? No. said Saint Peter. A heart attack, did I have a heart attack? No was the reply. Then how did I die? You died of old age. said the apostle. What do you mean I died of old age. I couldnt die of old age! I was only 36! the young man cried. According to your billable hours, said St Peter, youre 112.

22
Jul

Fantasy fly in beer

An Elf, a Human and a Dwarf walk into the tavern and each orders a Beer. When the three Beers arrive a fly lands in each one.The Elf pushes the Beer away distainfully, wanting nothing to do with it.The Human flicks out the fly and finishes the Beer in one gulp.The Dwarf gingerly picks out the fly by its wings, gently holds it over his glass and screams SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!!

22
Jul

You wouldnt believe the Pain.

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came


back.


She replied, So did my arthritis.

22
Jul

10. Your opening line is:

10. Your opening line is: So, whats your URL?9. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see Enhanced for Netscape 1.1 on one of the clouds.8. You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a webpage with no links.7. You felt driven to consult the Cool Page of the Day on your wedding day.6. Youve never met your best friend5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you and the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the Back button.4. You visit The Really Big Button That Doesnt Do Anything again and again and again.3. Your dog has his own webpage.2. So does your hamster.1. When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

22
Jul

Programmer dies…

A programmer died after leading a rather quit life. This guy was lucky, he got a choice between going to heaven or hell.

So he went on a tour of heaven with St. Peter. All around him people was singing and clapping hands or just leading a mild, peacefull existence. Mmm, this aint bad, thought the programmer. But what does hell look like?, he wondered.

Satan took him on a personal tour of Hell. They went to a bar with beautiful girls who did everything you asked with a smile. You didnt have to pay for anything, and It was situeted in a tropical paradise. Now THIS I could go for.

The programmer chose hell. The moment he set foot there, 4 ugly demons grabbed him and carried him off to a huge fire. Everything smelled fould and diseased, and there wasnt a sign of the tropical paradise he visited on the tour. So he asked Satan about it.

Laughing evilly, Satan replied That was the _demo_, man.

22
Jul

Nite before Xmas – Net Style!

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,

There were hackers a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.

The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,

While visions of Java danced in their dreams.

My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,

We just settled down at my rig (its a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,

I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.

To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,

Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,

Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,

My Mac jumped to a page that wasnt quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!

More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,

Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

Now Compaq! Now Acer!, my speaker did reel;

On Apple! On Gateway! Santa started to squeal!

Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!

Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my Ram,

Then into my room rose a full hologram!

He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,

Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.

Santa looked like a dude who was rarin to hack!

His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!

This aint the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,

Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,

And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a Dimm,

Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!

He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!

He distorted some pictures with Kais Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,

Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!

My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,

As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,

St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.

Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,

Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,

Back into the net with barely a blink.

But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,

Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!

Merry Xmas to you all !!!

22
Jul

Blonde Suicide

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off.

How did this happen? the doctor asked. Well I was trying to commit suicide, the blonde replied.

Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?

No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6,000 for these, then I put it in my mouth and I thought, I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened.

So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger?

21
Jul

Knock Knock Whos there? Xenia! Xenia who? Xenia stealing

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Xenia!
Xenia who?
Xenia stealing my sweets!

21
Jul

Youve ever worn hunters orange

Youve ever worn hunters orange to church.

You have barnyard animals living in your house.

Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.

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