18
Nov

You Stink So Bad

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

18
Nov

A police officer pulls over

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guys window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.The man says, Sorry officer I cant do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that Ill have a really bad asthma attack.Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample. I cant do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, Ill bleed to death.Well, then we need a urine sample.Im sorry officer I cant do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that Ill get really low blood sugar.Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.I cant do that, officer.Why not?Because Im too drunk to do that!

18
Nov

Blow In Their Ear

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?

A: Thanks for the refill!

18
Nov

Not so Graceful Aging

Ya know… the older I get, the less I crave things I have to stand in line for.
Years ago, when my daughter was dating, she couldnt decide what to get her boyfriend as a birthday present.
Dad? she asked, If you were going to be sixteen this Thursday, what would you want?
Not another thing. I sighed, Not another damn thing.
Trust me on this one – youll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, & of course, lie like hell about your age.
So far, the ones who have been able to get the most out of Mrs JimJrs and my middle-age years have been the Grandchildren.
Social Security agent to applicant: Sir, Im sorry, feeling sixty-five isnt enough; you must actually BE sixty-five.
Weve had a swimming pool for some time, now though I think I watch the Grandkids play more than I do jump in with them. I was wondering just this past summer though, when they stopped making pool chairs that you could get up out of.
Not-quite-so-young single Yuppette to a younger version: At my age, I no longer plan the future, I plot it !

18
Nov

The Preacher and the Taxi Driver.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whos dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies, Im Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City. Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and its the ministers turn. He stands erect and booms out, I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Marys for the last forty-three years.

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Just a minute, says the minister. That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?

Up here, we work by results, says Saint Peter. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!

18
Nov

Batnun

There was a country boy who comes down to town and stays too long in the pub, ending up pissed as a rat. On leaving he walks down the road and bumps in to a nun who was standing outside her church.

The boy turns on the nun throwing her to the ground and flailing at her with both hands kicking and wrestling with her. The patrons of the pub hear the fight and come running outside and drag him off the Nun.

As he is being taken away he yells out, Shit! I thought you would be tougher than that, Batman!

18
Nov

Stashing the money.

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?


A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

18
Nov

New Element: Administratium

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists at Yales Research Center. The element, tentatively named
administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic
number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons
75 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact
with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium
caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would
normally occur in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization
in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons
exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight usually
increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points
such as government agencies, large corporations, universities and
hospitals and can actually be found in the newest, best maintained
buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.

17
Nov

You think Dueling Banjos is

You think Dueling Banjos is classical music.

You refer to the Surgeon Generals Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.

You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

17
Nov

Your kids LIKE the Arch

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

You think the tobacco companies have done nothing wrong.

You *have* a clawfoot bathtub.

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