18
Jan

A childs questions

This was part of a set of stories over in another group. This one
was rather funny… (it came from Tension City)


A friend told me the following about a conversation with her four-year old:


A TV show for children, involving dinosaurs, had a bit where the dinos were
wondering whether or not an egg would hatch, and did the dinosaur parents
want a baby or not?


Tyke: Sometimes you get babies when you dont want them.


Mom: Yes, thats true. But we really wanted you.


Tyke: [Silence for a moment.] Did Daddy have to cut you open to put his
seed in you?


(The topic having already been discussed in the past.)


Mom: [Dreading the sudden direction the conversation had taken.] No…


Tyke: Then how did he get the seed in?


Mom: Uh, he just did.


Tyke: But *how*?


Mom: Do you really want to know?


Tyke: YES!!!


Mom: [Resigned to it, now] Well, Daddy put his penis in my vagina.


Tyke: [Very wide eyes] He DID???


Mom: Yes…


Tyke: But how did he get his big huge penis into your vagina?!


Mom: [to Dad] Um, would you help me out a little bit here, dear?


Dad: [pauses, looks intently at Tyke] Honey–these are *excellent*
questions youre asking!


Tyke: How did he get it in?


Mom: Well, it just fit.


Tyke: [Digests this for a moment] So, did it feel good?


Mom: [Too amused for embarrassment by now] Yes, dear, actually it did.


Tyke: Oh.


End of discussion. Tykes interrogative style was likened to that of an
especially tenacious attorney conducting cross-examination.


The next morning Tyke was overheard intently propounding her new knowledge to
her two-year old sister.


Kids have this way of getting right to the heart of the matter, huh?

18
Jan

OLD is when…

Old is when…

…your sweetie says, Lets go upstairs and make love, and you answer, Honey, I cant do both!

…your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and youre

barefoot.

…a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage

door nearest your car.

…you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

…going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

…you dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont

have to go along.

…when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

…when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the

police.

…getting a little action means I dont need to take any fiber today.

…getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

… an all nighter means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to

every man. Isnt that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.

What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

18
Jan

THE TEST

Two men, Robert and James, applied for an engineering position. Both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the exam both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Robert and said, Thank you for your interest, but weve decided to give James the job. Robert replied, Why? We both correctly answered nine questions. I believe I should get this job, especially since Ive grown up in this town and James just moved here. The manager said, We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed. How could one incorrect answer be better than the other?, asked Robert. Simple, said the manager. James put down on question #5, I dont know, and you put down, Neither do I.

18
Jan

Redneck Christmas Shopping

You know youre a redneck when… you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.

18
Jan

Mens responsibilities, from a womans POV

I received this from a friend of mine…she being a little perturbed about men at the moment. Being a sensitive guy myself, I can laugh at the following. So, please note … I am a MAN, posting this. I found it quite funny.

And, incidentally, I stopped and asked for directions last night … wow … what a way to impress a girl!

Familiarize yourself with the layout of your house. If you dont know where the kitchen is stop and ask for directions.
While we are on the subject, when you are lost OUTSIDE the home, stop and ask for directions then, too.
Try not to confuse the woman of your life with your mother, your ex-girlfriend, or Charles Barkley.
Provide high level of services. This includes, but not limited to, dealing with all dead things from steak and garbage to vermin.
Living vermin are your department too.
Buy gifts that suggest that you have at least some rudimentary knowledge of the recipients identity.
If you value your life, never, ever make the following remark to a woman – not even your best friend: Im not in that much of a hurry. I guess Im lucky I dont have a biological clock to worry about.
Now that you have mastered the art of putting the toilet seat down, its time to start cleaning those little facial hairs out of the sink.
Get some friends. You need somebody to pour your troubles out to besides your wife or girlfriend. Conversations centered around ball sports dont count. And in case you were wondering a close friend is someone you talk to more than twice a year.
Learn how to tell time. Women dont enjoy hanging out on street corners.
Just so you know, its humanly possible to cuddle WITHOUT penetration.

18
Jan

The Parenting Test

How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to
drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day? No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils ready. And lets keep our eyes on our own papers, people.

Section One: Mathematics

For each problem, estimate the total number of times
this phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points per question)

I dont care what the other kids get to do.
… and this time I really mean it.
Somebodys going to get hurt doing that.
See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
Now were REALLY going to be late.
One … Im counting … two … Im counting …
Because Im the Mommy (Daddy).
Lets not discuss that at the dinner table.
Why is your brother (sister) crying?
Okay … but only five more minutes.

Section Two: Fill in the Blank

Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)

Tickle Me ____________.
101 _________________.
The Berenstain _________.
Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
_______________ Nuggets.
_______________ Meals.
Please wont you be my _____________?

Section Three: Matching

Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).

Amoxicillin
Legos
Pull-Ups
Push-Ups
Tubes

Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
Either a recreational device originally developed for hamsters, but since
adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is placed in ears when Letter C fails.
A pink substance which is usually a regular part of a toddlers diet.
A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary
for a few more weeks.

Section Four: Problem Solving

Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)

It is 8:50 a.m. School starts at 9 a.m. Where are your car keys?
She says that he started it. He says she started it. Whos right?
You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large
packages, two very small children, zero very close parking places,
and one frazzled parent. How will you accomplish this?
At 7 p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts
with Carl, and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman
maneuvers, how will this be done?

Section Five: Essay
Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)

Which of the Big Vs has made a bigger contribution to parenting:
Vacuum cleaners, Velcro, or the VCR?

18
Jan

Oil changing instructions for men and women

WOMEN

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MEN

Go to auto parts store and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to auto parts store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
Open a beer and drink it.
Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
Find jack stands under kids pedal car.
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
Give up and use crescent wrench.
Unscrew drain plug.
Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
Clean up.
Have another beer while oil is draining.
Look for oil filter wrench.
Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
Beer.
Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
Remember drain plug from step 11.
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
Bang head on floor board in reaction.
Begin cussing fit.
Throw wrench.
Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.
Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
Beer.
Beer.
Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
Beer.
Lower car from jack stands.
Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
Drive car

Thanks to Mary Campbell

17
Jan

Knock Knock Whos there? Yacht! Yacht who? Yacht a

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yacht!
Yacht who?
Yacht a know me by know!

17
Jan

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They havent had any brains for the last thirty years.

17
Jan

Welcoming to America

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. And the Americans, they are so friendly! he concluded. Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, …. Jose, can you see?