18
Oct

Order of 500 turkeys for the Christmas season

A merchant ordered 500 turkeys for the Christmas season. A few weeks before the holiday, however, his sales dropped sharply.

Afraid that he wouldnt be able to sell all the turkeys, he phoned the distributor and instructed him to Cut my order in half!

When his order arrived, guess what it contained?

Five hundred turkeys, of course, each cut in half!

Its really amazing how easy it is to misunderstand a message and sometimes rather embarassing, but funny!

18
Oct

Bears getting a divorce

Mama Bear and Papa Bear were in court getting a divorce and the judge offered Baby Bear a choice of which parent to live with.

JUDGE: Do you want to live with your mother?

BABY BEAR: No! She beats me.

JUDGE: OK, then you can live with your father.

BABY BEAR: No! He beats me too!

JUDGE: Well you have to live with someone. Who do you want to live with?

BABY BEAR: I want to live with my Aunt Bertha in Chicago.

JUDGE: Is there any chance shell beat you also?

BABY BEAR: No sir. The Chicago Bears dont beat anybody.

17
Oct

Knock Knock Whos there? Thayer! Thayer who? Thayer sorry

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Thayer!
Thayer who?
Thayer sorry and I wont tell teacher!

17
Oct

Knock Knock Whos there? Opera! Opera who? Opera-tunity, and

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Opera!
Opera who?
Opera-tunity, and you thought opportunity only knocked once!

17
Oct

DO YOU ACCEPT

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

17
Oct

Q: How many football

Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesnt change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)

17
Oct

Why do blondes like tilt steering?

Why do blondes like tilt steering? More headroom

17
Oct

Poor farmer

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over

Man: Thats not so bad, whats the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So then what happened?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: ‘Again? So what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: ‘And then what.

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset.

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

17
Oct

Saving for holiday

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea — each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: Isnt it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills.

The wife replied: Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?

17
Oct

Estaba un viejo turco agonizando:

Estaba un viejo turco agonizando:

Mujer, ¿estás aquí?

Sí, Ahmed, contesta la mujer

Hijo, ¿estás aquí?

Sí, padre, contesta afligido.

Hija, ¿estás aquí?

Sí.

Entonces, ¿quién putas está cuidando el negocio?