When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell obscenities loudly and chase him back upon the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.

A little boy is leaving school at the end of the day. As he strolls along the
sidewalk, a car pulls up to the curb, and a man winds down the window.

Hey, kid, Ive got candy in my car. Hop in and Ill give it to you.

No. Im not going to. The boy walks on. Further down the road, the car
pulls over again.

Hey there kid, if you get in my car, Ill give you all this candy, and a big
bottle of cola. How about it?

No way! Now leave me alone! The boy walks on, quickening his pace. The
car again pulls over beside him.

Look, kid, Ive got a puppy at home youd love to see. Get in and Ill take
you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the way. What dyou
say to that?

The boy is getting agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car
window.

Look, I dont care what you promise me Dad. Im NOT riding in your Lada!

• This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long.
• The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.
• Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.
• It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
• In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
• Anyone found listening in will most surely recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
• When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
• After everything is ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What am I?

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own – toothbrush!

Un ejecutivo y su secretaria empezaban a tener una relación amorosa, y el ejecutivo la convenció de que pasaran el fin de semana en su casa.

No te preocupes, le dijo. Mi esposa está fuera de la ciudad en un viaje de negocios y no nos molestará.

Ya estaban los dos desnudos en el dormitorio del ejecutivo, cuando la secretaria dijo, ¡No podemos hacerlo! No estoy usando ningún anticonceptivo.

No hay problema, dijo él. Sé donde guarda mi esposa su diafragma.

De inmediato comenzó a buscar en el baño. Después de media hora, regresó al dormitorio hecho una furia.

¡Esa maldita! Se los llevó consigo. ¡Siempre supe que no confiaba en mí…!

a pirate walks into a bar and the tender asks Why do you have that steering wheel hanging out of your pants?

The pirate says,Ayyy… Its driving me nuts.

A little boy who is entering fourth grade came home and told his mother with great excitement: This year we get As and Bs and Cs!

His mother reminded him that last year his teacher gave As and Bs and Cs, so getting letter grades is nothing new.



No, Mom, the little boy said. Last year I only got As.

I bought some batteries but they were not included,
so I had to buy them again.

Youre so fat that when you went to McDonalds the whole place fell down

Q. How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. Real Men arent afraid of the dark.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfelds Suggested Military Cost-Cutting Measures

All major ground wars will be fought entirely by Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg.
Combine Army and Navy into cost-effective super-force called the Narvmy.
Live out the new national advertising slogan: Army of None. [TV spot will depict a driverless tank, meandering across battlefield, firing at random.]
In a compromise with bumper-sticker liberals, the nations teachers will be forced to donate the proceeds of their bake-sales to the Army, which will then use the money to buy bombers.
Cadets crisp five-finger salute to superior officers scaled down to three fingers and a look of sincere, filial respect.
After battles, soldiers collect used bullets for recycling.
Inter-Continental missiles no longer ballistic, just slightly peeved.

by Nicholas Danforth Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.