Old and New Jokes

A blonde went to buy a lottery ticket, and sure enough, she won! She goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The blonde says, Great! I want my $20 million now please. The man replied, No, sorry lady. It doesnt work that way. We give you a million today, and then youll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years. The blonde said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it. Again, the man explained that she would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The blonde, furious with the man, finally screams out, Look, I want my money! If youre not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!

This will be a short meeting

You can put it together yourself in five minutes

One slice of pizza wont blow my diet

Youll housebreak him in no time at all

Theyll feel terrific once you break them in

Weve been in business for 30 years, were not going anywhere

When it sez empty theres always a gallon or two left

If you knew anything at all, you wouldnt be a Traffic Cop

You can make it – that truck isnt coming all that fast

Of course bring the kids

Thats not poison oak

I dont burn, I tan

Take off your clothes, the doctor will be right with you

Your table will be ready in 5 minutes

Of course theyre mushrooms, toadstools come to a point

No trouble at all, dont give it a second thought

We service what we sell

Believe me, nobodys dressing up

(Forwards deleted to protect the innocent)

The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star, Jan 17, 1995:

Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.

– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that wont last out the year.

– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

But what … is it good for?

– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Our lager,

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink,

Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),

At home as it is in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,

And forgive us our spillages,

As we will forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not to incarceration,

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.

For ever and ever.

Barmen.

How do you make a baby drink? Stick it in the blender.

En la calle, un sujeto se dirige con una prostituta:

Te doy 15 dólares si me dejas hacerte el amor.

Por 15 te dejaré verlo nada más.

Bueno, está bien, acepta el tipo.

Los dos se dirigen a un callejón oscuro. La puta se baja la falda y se lo enseña. El tipo se agacha para poder ver; pero como está muy oscuro, saca su encendedor y le ilumina sus partes.

Tienes mucho vello púbico, ¿puedes orinar por allí?

¡Claro! ¿Por qué?

¡Porque será mejor que empieces a mear antes de que se te queme todo!

No.1 said I have the perfect wife. She is an Angel

No.2 replied, How lucky for you. Mines still alive.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

Whats Monica Lewinskys favorite boxing move?

– The Low Blow

Q: What did the blondes mom say to her before the blondes date?

A: If youre not in bed by 12, come home.